its strange that almost 20 years later i find myself coping with learning of a diagnosis. It makes me look back at the path that took me to this point with myself and my faith. I think if i hadn't gone through this once before it may be harder now.
This recount of my path tells about how i found my way through high school, and the journey i began.
I had gone through so much in the short time i had learned I had Stargardt's in high school and the reaction of my family. In so many ways i felt a release of stress. It's that relief in finally having an answer .
I went to school however feeling ashamed. There was no calming the ridicule or the ignorant reactions i faced the remaining sophomore year.I had a geology teacher openly ridicule my vision and a P.E. department head force me to finish my drivers ed test. The amount of times some fellow student who thought he was funny asked me "how many fingers am I holding up?" with fast moving fingers in my face was more then you could imagine. Not even some of my closest friends could refrain from jokes about me being"blind". And all i could do is sit and smile and laugh it off. And the inevitable happened ; I became a complete clown for my friends to hide how depressed and hurt i was feeling.
My extreme outgoing nature helped me get through the rest of that year. I threw my self into as many activities i could including, swimming, theater, tech and any other club i could do. In everything I hid how much i couldn't see and asked questions at every chance. Sometimes I just felt so self conscious to ask and i never finished the assignment or the activity. I sort of hid inside myself and my goofy exterior because I really didn't have anyone I felt understood what I was going through. I had one student at my school with a visual impairment and I saw him maybe once a month. My self defense in Mr Antus's class was the first time I defended myself and my vision loss.
By the grace of my theater friends I think i survived sophomore year. Junior year was easier, I just stayed hidden in myself and threw myself into plays.It was during this year I realized I had to stop swimming. My eyes were growing more sensitive to not just the florescent lights all day long in school but the chlorine. During one meet I realized What they meant by me losing depth perception when I was slowing down to find the end of the pool. Once I even did my turn in the water probably about 5 feet before the end. No matter how much I loved it regular swim team was not for me anymore.
By senoir year I had finished a summer camp at Northern Illinois and felt I had really come out of my skin. No one said anything about my vision they just liked how I made them laugh. I somehow found my voice and was in our senoir musical, and ffrom then on I sort of lost my focus. Afriend of mine asked me to come to the bible study group. It helped so much to sit and read with the group and give my opinion on everything.I had mno real religious affliatino but i just wanted to find answers.By the end of the year I was the co-leader of the group.
As leaving high school came, so did my need to pursue answers through religion.I sought anything that would help me find balance and calm my fears.I started going more towards Buddhism.I found meditation calming and took on the belief of not questioning what you are given in life but just to live.
As I set out I realized the college world wasn't going to be for me. The things I tried to pursue I was met with huge blocks. Feeling alone I gave up and decided to work, and work as much as I could.
I would soon learn that My path would change again, and so would my faith .
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