sometimes the wrong path leads you back to where you belong

when life happens sometimes its what we really need

going through the wedding, then the honeymoon, then back to work. i had picked up a job to help with the extra wedding expenses but then i realized something,.. not only was i working , sleeping and that was it, but that my art was taking the proverbial back burner.  i had done so much to get to the point i felt i was achieving some goals and really becoming more accepting of my own art/blindness then i let working take over.

it was slow at first and ideas were still flowing but then the ideas started to pile up behind the block of limited time.

then i was sketching made only a few paintings and lost track  of my gallery shows.

it was then i realized i was falling into the rut  and would be like so many who gave up their dream to just endlessly work soulless hours and never look back.

i truly feel perfect sight or not, whatever your dream is if you let the stress of that life get a hold of you you truly loss who you really are and you have to work even harder to get it back.

so on my honeymoon i talked to a gallery/ center for children with visual impairments and blindness. as i walked through the small touchable gallery with my husband and looked at the tiny little white canes hanging in front of the preschool room doors i realized i couldn't stop. i talked with them about bringing some work in to the kids and felt that amazing feeling again. its not about being a millionaire or the worlds most famous artist. its really about giving hope to children growing up with my issue of blindness, its about sharing what i do with sighted people and how i see through my art.

its not really about me at all :)

the life of the secret ninja painter

the last few months have been so crazy, many things in my life have changed,.

i got married :)

ahhhh the stress of wedding planning is over and the happily ever after has begun! and its only been about 3 weeks but its great!

i also have a whole new family that im a part of ! and i couldnt be more bkessed and shane, madieand I will be going on our,.. follow tis,.. honeymoon/family vacation to Disneyland! and meeting with them and its going to be a blast im sure.

well in all this craziness i haven't done but one art piece in the last i don't know maybe 6 months.  My schedule with working had gotten so busy i did the charity piece nd that was it.

while working the other day i said something and someone asked me " but i need someone with artist side to help me whit something. "
i looked at her and said" im artistic".
"really"
"yeah, you didnt know i painted? ."i dont tell lot of people i work with i realize, i dont want to be the type of person who appears t brag about tings but i had know them for sometime so i thought she had just known, plus she knew a previous manager of mine.
"no, .. like just sketches,.. like in college or something??" she reallly didnt know. so there i was trying to find pictures, that i dont carry on my phone of my ar because i realize how much i dont tell people about it and i dont disclose it.

at work im the ninja artist

i really only tell people i get close too. I'm not sure if its because i don't know if they'll understand the way i paint from the visually impaired aspect, the light sensitivity. if i don't want to answer "those " questions. or if I'm not confident showing my art to people at a job. I'm not sure be nevertheless I realized how much i may be personable at work I am more private then I realize.

i don't think i could ever be one of those people to tell everyone, most of the time when you tell people you do things like that they think your bragging, and h'm defiantly not that type of person, so choosing to just keep it low key is better right?  and then of course i don't need the other questions about my eyes and other not so awesome banter that would ensue. i don't mind answering questions but at work it seems to cross the line at times, so till i decide to tackle all that

i will remain a ninja

how i becaome a high school legand, the story of Antus

I had few teachers in high school that i will never forget.

Some good and some bad, some just beyond comprehension. This is a story of one of those crazy teachers,..
Mr Robert Antus :)

He kinda looks like he could be author Dean Koontz's brother right?
Mr Antus was a legend, and the English teacher you wanted to have. You were not allowed to smile unless the story he told was happy, or laugh unless the story was funny. He was strict and passionate, some would say plain crazy .He was so into literature and stories he literally threw himself into telling  them.

My favorite story is still his one about going off to summer camp and the swimming test. As he began the story of the boy he immediately raised his voice and faced the chalk board, then violently started to back stroke across the room! He did this with vigor and intensity and all the students like Moses parting the red sea evacuated there desks as he came barreling through the middle ! He ran right into the back wall and jerked for a second.Antus  kept telling his tale as he turned around and back stroked back to the front of the room. That was his style throwing loudly voice and body into every literary masterpiece.

That year I actually had my counselor switch my English classes so i could have him. Even though i had been diagnosed and she recommended i go to a teacher who would be better at helping me with my "situation".So against her better judgement i switched and undertook the adventure of being one of his students.Our first book if memory is correct was "To kill a mockingbird".  This is forever one of my favorite books, and the office enlarged a copy for me nice and big so i blazed through it as quickly as my eyes would allow.Of course to keep everyone one on the right path and because he was one of those teachers, a pop quiz was to be had at the end of each chapter cluster you were supposed to read.

The day came for the quiz, i stayed up late eyes burning but finished my assigned reading and was ready.I was actually looking forward to showing that i enjoyed the story. I should add I'm not just an Art geek but a Literature one as well. He started class in his usual quiet stern fashion , ordered silence and then passed out the quizzes,..

umm,..
there's a problem here,..

I froze, i thought my vision itinerant gave him the papers on what i needed,... this is ,,..

ditto paper????

Who used that anymore?? The paper was this blur of purple smudges and spots, this was in no way at all legible not to mention not in large print.  This could only get worse if he says,.." OK you have 10 minutes" . OK it just got worse! Wait ,..what? i get time and a half and with this mess I'm gong to need an interpreter,  a magnifying glass, a decoder , and alot of prayer to figure it out!!

I sat in silence , frozen, i was not a child or teenager to buck authority,..but i didn't know what to do.After i sat not moving for about what seemed like forever he approached my desk.
 "You didn't do the reading did you?" he said looking angry.
" i did,." i was quiet, meek, i didn't really know what to say.
" Then take your test ,.."he said walking away.
I muttered" but i cant".
He stopped with his back turned then walked back to my desk,.. omg what have i done, i don't want  the wraith of antus! At this point the entire class has now stopped and is watching my defiance,...
"what did you say?"
now i know my eyes are bad and these things seem to only happen in cartoons, but ,i promise I'm sure i saw actual steam rising from his beet red head.
I know at this point I have become a blubbering idiot. This was the third interaction i had had with a teacher since diagnosis and none good .I had not stood up to any of them, i just sat there and took it. The amount of embarrassment and anger was now starting to well up in me.
I remained crying and non-responsive.
" Rachel that is enough ! You didn't  do the reading and now your interrupting my class! Office now!!!" he bellowed so loud the hair moved off of my face.
I turned my head and uttered quietly and firmly
" no."
 Not sure how this was possible but the room became even more silent, i think other classrooms were listening at this point. It was so quiet i heard my own heartbeat louder then my breathing.
Antus stopped shocked, crossed his arms and walked to his desk. He stood there, then paced for a moment. Then confused but angry made his way back to my desk,
" i will not tolerate your defiaance , you will go to the office now."
"no."
He now looking more confused and amazed at me walked again to his desk. This was a bad thing, now with all eyes on me, and the history of years of being teased for my squinting and blindness, and now for being disabled i was  hitting the point of no return.
The next part happened with some assemblance of courage and stupidity that still shocks me to this day,..
as he came back , arms flayling to yell once one, i stood up, tears streaming to let him have it,..
this is about what i can remember,.. and i said alot,..through lots of sobbing,..
"I am legally blind and I'm losing my vision and its not my fault YOU didn't do YOUR reading my vision itenirent gave you papers about me at the beginning of class and i cant read that! i cant read ditto paper i can only read white on black the best and its supposed to be enlarged and its supposed to be time and a half if i need and I'm not going to the office and I'm not gong to be yelled at!"

I sat down and heard the loud "thud" echo,... i hadn't even told most of my friends about my diagnosis at this point. i had been afraid to,.. now i just screamed it at my teacher through the entire school,...

He stood for a moment with eyes as big as saucers starring at me.  He then put his hand to his head rubbed it and then left the classroom.
Omg ,.. that's it,.. i just got suspended! Everyone waited a minute til they knew he was gone and the flood of  "omg i cant believe you did that!" cheers went up from my classmates. I'd like to say that it felt good ,but with my heart still in my throat not so much. I was still sobbing and trying to makes sense of it all and what i had said.

About another 15minutes later the door opened. I had tried to regain my composure so that i could beg for forgiveness from the dean Mrs Musil.To my shock he came in alone, quiet and with a paper in his hand,..he walked over , took my original test, and replaced the papers on my desk.
" is this OK?" he said in a very low tone.
He had gone and gotten me an enlarged white on black test made!
" yes thank you" i said shocked and meek, i started to cry a little again.
I think it was a combination of relief, shock, and awe.
I finished my test handed it to him.  He told us he'd grade it for next time.
We sat quiet til the bell rang.

We did not speak again about it while i was in his class that whole rest of the year .I had no suspension, no call home, nothing,I was very lucky.

Skip ahead to my senior year of high school. I had come along way out of my shell. I had a co-lead in the musical and wanted to invite all my old teachers. Being that his passion for literature affected me so much I made my way to Mr Antus' last period to invite him. With a fellow friend and cast mate in tow we knocked on his door.
He was at his desk and turned and saw me at the door and smiled.He motioned for us to come in.I walked to his desk and leaned down since his class was sitting and working on something.
" i just wanted to invite you to see the musical Cabaret, i play Frau Schultz and id love you to see it".
 I handed him the flyer.
He smiled ,"absolutely" he said with a big smile.
" can you come here a moment?"
I smiled and nodded my head.He took my arm and walked me to the front of the classroom.

" do you all remember the story i told you about the little girl i had who was the only student to ever stand up to me and live? This is Rachel!"

 He smiled and i smiled!The class laughed and clapped, I couldn't believe it!! Somehow my bravery made it into one of his epic stories! I gave him a hug and smiled, "Thank you!" That thank meant more then thank you for making me a story. AT that moment i learned to speak up for my self for the first time, to not be bullied , to not  be afraid. It also meant someone understood and accepted me.

I might have became one of his legendary stories but Mr antus will always star in many of mine, thank you for your passion and everything you taught me and all who had you, we  are truly grateful for the experience.

You will forever be missed and remembered.

the "art" of the blind-ish chef,.more tales of the utterly squinty

i was inspired by my dear FB friends from "Cooking with out looking" to look into how i cook,..

for those who don't know me i adore cooking! funny since i got off to a rough start as a kid.

one cold winter day back when i was about 4 years  old, i was pretty thirsty," mom can  have some hot cocoa?". My mom running around yelled  back " just get some milk , cup and start boiling the milk on the stove." I must explain i was quite the literal child, so i did what i heard. I grabbed a frosty grey coffee cup, filed it with milk then placed it directly on the gas burner and turned it on.I watched it intently as i started to boil so proud of myself for cooking something! As the bubbles got wilder i yelled to my mom" its boiling its boiling!!".
She entered the kitchen, slowly , confused,..looking for the pot.I could see on her face the horror as she realized what i had done. She quickly turned off the burner of boiling milk , grabbed a oven mitt pulled the cup off then,..
BOOM!!!!!!!
YEAH,... SO,..UM,..WHEN A COLD CUP OF MILK GOES DIRECTLY ON A BURNER AND BOILS SEE IT TENDS TO MAKE THE CUP EXPLODE WHEN REMOVED.
(do not try this at home without adult supervision, direct written consent of mythbusters, a cop riot shield and a camera,..)

i wasn't allowed to cook for many years,..or cut with a real knife,...

But growing up despite this fact my father and my grandma fisher when she was alive would teach me how to cook. Both had great techniques that i actually think made it easier to learn how to cook with my impairment.

My grandma Fisher was a wonderful cook, she pretty much cook the majority of her waking time, that and watching tennis , She was a Russian Jewish woman, her cooking reflected this style completely. She measured absolutely  nothing there were measuring cups  but she didn't really measure what a normal cook would use them for. She also cooked in large quantities programmed for ultimate leftovers. The meal always had sides, a main meal, mogan david wine, desert and pre and post meal snacks. She used her hands to feel the food, tasted everything instead of just going by numbers and used her sense of smell to know when it was done verses watching the clock. All three of those things really effected me and if i hadn't of learned from her I'm sure id burn allot of food!

My father,  the artist of the most unhealthy concoctions ever imagined. Much like his mother, my grandmother, he doesn't measure he tastes, but he used such extreme combinations experimenting with food. He would even name them hilarious names, one was BUFCA. it was the name of a school friend of my brothers back in the day that he thought sounded like the best made up swear word ever. One day when experimenting with a crazy taco type meal he went crazy trying new cheeses, sauces, seasonings and when it was done it looked awful! but tasted amazing!!! this craziness led to him naming his dish, bufca.i think his silliness but experimental joy and love for cooking really taught me allot.

I still have nights when at 2 am i experiment and make something that Shane says is delicious.  He giggles about my late night cooking and how i move through the kitchen not using measuring cups. trying new things. On several occasions he'll say " but I've never really liked that",..then i make it and he says" this is ACTUALLY good". lol this has been my new cooking goal to open his "food mind."

maybe its that old European cook in me, my dads creativity and my need to make people smile, but cooking is so much fun even if you cant see what your doing,...you don't have to!

raising a little girl , an act in individualism.

so I'm going to run off topic today and not about art at all,..its about my Lil darling, my biggest fan ,..Madison.

Raising her as a visually disabled mother and an artist make for some fun   . I'm more open to artist type choices in what she wears and tries, not opposed to earrings or things like that. But i draw a line at her looking older then her age,.. which by the way is 6.I help her with her body image and let her know shes beautiful inside and out everyday.

When my daughter was born unlike most parents i didn't buy all the typical clothes. I found fun unique pretty bohemian flowing tops and dresses, fun colors bows etc. she didn't even have typical stuffed animals, she has soft plushy Kitty's and what not id find in stores on the north side, different types of animals, fell asleep to blues jazz  and symphony music.When she was awake she listened to Yes ,Sheryl crow, comporary music, id sing to her , shed dance and i tried to be as eclectic as possible. I am by no means a typical person. Ive been told that most people after getting to know me say that I'm complex and not at all the way I'm perceived.I wanted Madie to be just as artistically and eclectically complex giving her choices.

When she was 2 we started doing "starfall" computer games, and i for several  years cut her slow growing hair into a cute pixie cut. not at all normal but adorable on her. You see i try to incorporate my daughter own personality , and i want her to be comfortable with who she is. When she was about 3 we walked into a store that had pink hair spray. She asked me if we could make her hair pink that the lazy town girl, i said yes. I get scrutinized for this but seriously my daughter being creative with her temp hair color isn't that bad. sending your 6 year old to school in a bra or a half top is bad, this hurts no one and lets my daughter express her individuality Young, makes her confident and she feels great about it.

A few years later when listening to some rockabilly music videos on YouTube she  saw the pomp style bang hair do, shed seen me do it and she wanted to try it, even wanted to do her bangs pink, i said yes! how creative and adorable! I of course did up her hair for her and shes beamed from ear to ear. for the most part she wears skirts, tights ,knee high hello kitty socks, hello kitty clothes and the occasional sparkly skull t-shirt.I still get a giggle that some moms look at my letting her do that as wrong but i see incorporate clothes ,skin showing and hear my daughter tell me about all her friends wearing bras already,.. shes in first grade *shakes head* i cant wrap my brain around that at all.

So me and Madie had a talk about the bra thing and she said she didn't like it so that was avoided. She had learned to hate the built in shelf bra in her tank tops from target so this was an easy win for mom. As we kept talking we talked about her clothes, her knee high socks and her one pair of skinny jeans. Now these are appreciate they aren't to tight and her stockings are in no way sexy, lol they are totally kids socks bought by her grandma and as far a i ever go clothing wise. She tells me the boys tease her for being too skinny,....what??? she says (mind my daughter is very tiny for her age short and tiny, she looks 5 and shes turning 7 soon) that she  like the stockings because they cover her legs when she wears a skirt because the boys tease her for being too skinny,...

Its kinda sad that when not in school my daughter has this amazing beaming confidence, is artistic, already painting space and constellations, but in school is the shrinking violet. She leaves my  side every morning glowing and excited, and comes home defeated and with a story everyday of crying. Not for what t she wears or her hair,.. no,.. because shes to quiet or too skinny, or the new one they make her cry then tease her for crying too much. Shes stopped trying in school, we usually do her homework then i do about 2 hours more of working with her because she doesn't remember a thing she learned in class, but can tell me everything the kids did or said to her. Today she had a boy run over her hand and another hit her with a umbrella, she said cause its funny,.. and they wonder why after so much my daughter finally fights back,she can only take so much.

What kills me is shes being teased not for individuality, but for being normal, for being how God made her!!!

Its a shame no one there see the amazing unique artistic girl she is. All i can do is keep supporting her, loving her and teaching her shes better then all that.Raising a girl shouldn't be this hard but I'm in it for the long haul , i love my little girl.

The Dance Fantastique

To sit and stare at a figure from my  perspective, my visual view is so very hard to describe.

"Why black and white?"

Why ?

 Its the shadow dance.

I could stare at someones face and let the details sit amidst a blur of blobish spots and holes, but i choose to not see that. Tonight as i sit and talk with friends and smile i watched the shadows play and dance on all of them.When my models stand even as they are still they play, the shadows boldly sit and wrap around and they dance against the light.

The light becomes less important, the shadows become bolder and fluid.I quickly go to sketch  the play at hand. First i draw the whole figure ,proportions ,like the steady blueprint of a wonderful building. Then once that foundation is down i begin to trace the lines of the shadows as they  played. With every twist losing portions of face, arm, leg, but showing still amazing contrast of whats left for me.

See to describe my black and white art and why i paint without color is this,..

I don't paint the figure,
i paint the shadows,

 the figures re-emerge from that.

So next time you look at one of my paintings  look more at the flowing wisps of the black which appear to surround the figure.
Then you'll see what i see,
they don't surround them at all,

they dance.

"id give you medicine if your tummy aches,..build you a fire if the furnace breaks,.."

Some friends have asked me over the past few years how i have become so positive, how Ive started painting more and  how  Ive become so happy. I was always and independent person. with lack of vision instead of relying on people i become more afraid to and More stand off-ish. I relied more on myself for fear of being told i was taking advantage of people.

and it always happened someone would say" you always ask people to drive you around you take advantage of people!" I wouldn't try to either, id go about taking cabs and trains, some one would offer to help, then scrutinize me for taking he help! It was a vicious circle and i hated it, so i become as self reliant as i could.

But you see the problem with that is at some point you lose the ability to ask for help. Much worse the ability to take help with out feeling horribly guilty.I may be on steady terms with my vision as afar as accepting but i know others aren't, so with everyone who tried to still help me, it was met with fear, a million thank yous and a " please I'm OK now you don't need to do that again"

I also become more afraid of dating, more afraid of meeting new people. What happens with meeting is telling everyone all over again about my vision instead of getting to know each other. Sometimes it came with pity, and i hated that.

3 years ago i began talking with a man i had talked with only a few times but knew through mutual friends. That phone call 3 years ago this week  become the beginning of me learning to look at the world in a different way. It took one man to make me realize how close minded i was and how stubborn i was! He was so very sweet and for the first time i felt comfortable talking to someone, telling him why i painted, admitting my vision loss ,and why i was a single mom. That acceptance and that kindness and understanding has only grown through the years, triumphed through very low times and still beats strong even today.

I am stronger, more open, and happier because i realized i didn't have to do things on my own, i could have a partner in crime , a friend to guide me through, someone to keep me laughing through just about anything.

Today i dedicate my blog to my future husband and my best friend, to Shane who taught me more about my self, love and the world then anyone has. Thank you for being my biggest fan, support my art and encouraging me to live my dreams, i am blessed to know i get to" grow old with you " :)

Truth in ourselves, olive joose :)

This last week Ive had allot going on and many things swirling around me,..
I began thinking about the way people act and react,.. and one thing stuck out,.
we can only answer for our own actions in life, and not for others. and if we choose to not act how can we hold others accountable? I see this allot and this tends to be the true reason for most people, friends, and family fighting.

inevitably something happens and we by nature have an opinion, but then somehow choose to not say anything to the person whom is upsetting us. Therein not being truthful to ourselves and how we feel. Then we get upset at that person for doing or saying said "thing"  begin our campaigns of " do you know what this person did? "and " I'm going to get back at them for this " as the anger swells up form sitting and  stewing on this "thing" for some length of time. But aren't we responsible to speaking our mind and feelings? were in the world did we start expecting our loved ones and friends to become mind readers? Especially in a day and age were most our interactions are over an electronic device?

Somehow people lost the "human in "human nature". it becomes more fun to bad mouth someone then to be honest to yourself and THEM and tell  them its upsetting you.

Its so sad, i see it constantly, It's like people are afraid to be honest to friends and family. Whats worse is when they get defensive then they became grasping for straws and attacking with false accusations, why because they've made themselves so hurt that's all they can do.

For those who know me, you know this annoys and saddens me. I am an extremely honest to a fault person, i tell my friends and family everything i think and feel without holding back and i do expect the same in return. Even if i don't want to hear you , the point is being honest is far better then holding back and creating hurt feelings.  I mean wouldn't you rather be told up front even if it hurts you then see your friends get hurt over time because they couldn't be honest with you?

Less fights , hurt, and aggravation would happen if people were truer to themselves and to there loved ones, Don't hurt people who love you, be honest you never know how long you have them or how long you can utter the words " i love you" appreciate your friends, they are your chosen family :)

I dont take things for granted, i could be wrong and loose my vision tomorrow, or lose my life or my family, seeing friends fight is a waste of time you could be making memories.and the things you say in anger are put out into the world and you cant ever take them back. Hurtful words make the biggest ripple in the pond.

"breathe is wasted on closed ears, you can say many things but at some point your the only one who will hear them"

I'm thankful and blessed for the friends and family i have they are amazing and I just wish i could see them all happy.

and to my chosen family,... olive joose :) thanks for understanding me :)

If i couldnt paint one more canvas, if i couldnt see to touch the paint,..

Ive been having this weird tingling in my eyes thru these past few months. On top of my stargdratds macular dystrophy i feel like my eyes are falling asleep. The Doctor said its a normal symptom of the cervicogenic migraines. I asked him when id be able to paint again, his response was a typical doctor telling me the first step was to reduce my pain.

I know he is doing the right doctor type thing but i want to keep creating. As an artist maybe because of my lack of vision or maybe more importantly the unwanted fear of a block i don't want to stop.Ive had these tingles of inspiration here and there the last week. I keep having them so i assume its my mind wanting me to put it on canvas. I have the 9 muses canvas/sculpture art to make,  a solo sculpture of myself  ( which will no doubtingly be harder then the face cast) but i have these ideas for bright bold color.

I said to my mom in a conversation last month " but mom i don't paint colors because i cant really see them or the true shades, it'd have to be bold Bright and over the top so i could see them"

"So,..do it anyway" she said

Simple response to an emotion filled statement. Shes right I think because Ive painted what i can see I'm more afraid of stepping out and painting with the colors i can and cannot see. I mean its inevitable that colors merge together, that mixing happens . I cant just go primary and secondary can i?? Maybe the colors that form that i cant see in that case just becomes part of the art?

Its so hard  i don't really have much  color paint here at home and at the moment I'm sorta of housebound. With the cervico migraines of doom day time light is a trigger for more pain, straining here now at the comp strains the muscle putting pressure on my spine which is more pain and painting over the easel, sadly not going to happen.  I feel though if i dont get back to it it may be lost forever, i don't want to waste any gift of creativity on fear ill never get it back or wont be able to paint.

<here is my rock,.. and yeah over there> that's my hard place,..

I have to find some way to do it now matter what, its how or when that's up in the air

the symptoms of being blind,..ish (ode to a bee)

I think sometimes we have symptoms of our visual issues. A secondary affect on our bodies and minds  from our blindish lifestyles.

Ive had some time off of blogging due to health issues. i like many Americans Ive found out i have high bad cholesterol. It was a huge shock to me since I'm fairly young and didn't think i had eaten that poorly, and 2 that i have a severe  dust allergy. I found all these  out while seeking a doctor for my migraines,.. lol a bit more news then i had anticipated.

With many visually impaired people there are migraines. those horrid reminders of a day full of squinting and straining. We can get tension headaches from this, eye strain, "eye" migraines causing auras and temporary lose of vision, and then just utterly horrid migraines. It started to make me think how much  vision loss effects  our whole body's. In going to the doctors they told me what they think the cause of my extremely bad ones are " i think you've pinched  a nerve in your neck from straining to see." I have a blind re-lated injury? It appears so, from years of cranking and improper sizes and what not Ive actually injured my neck causing migraines. Ive suddenly become so aware of my neck and how i hold it, many of you maybe be sitting up straighter right now.

I started to think about all the bruises Ive had, oh yeah and some doosies! no matter how much i know there is  a table there, its going to catch me in the shin when i least expect it to, or a corner i thought wasn't close reaches out and bites my elbow, mean corners.Don't even get me started on the random toy of my daughters that find its way under my heel since i cant see a barbie boot, or a mini  my little pony on the floor!

But i don't think it ends there, it really seems down to the smallest injury we tend to be a bit rough on our poor bodies, even mentally.Many people I've met with visual disabilities seem to also have (whether its hidden or not) anxiety, panic attacks, or some form of depression. It really takes a toll on us even the strongest who appear completely adjusted have gone through some sort of emotional issue. the years of ridicule, or lack of acceptance, for me i have trouble in n places I've never been. i can get around with confidence but if i don't know how to get home since i cant see streets signs, or lose a companion who's with me i have had panic attacks. In all the support organizations I've found why is it no one talks about that? I bet you more people would find it easier if they knew they too were not alone.

Food related traumas,.. Ive eaten more bad food, drank bad things, and mistakenly bought bad fruit. The other night has to be one of my favorites of these,..

With my new no sugar, no fat, no cholesterol diet i found a loop hole for dessert; berries in fat free whippy creme! I thought about it all day and couldn't wait for that bowl.Turned the t.v. on to "bizarre foods" (great show) and went to get my dessert. As per serving suggestions i placed 2 servings of whippy creme on one side of the bowl, then emptied the small container of raspberries on the other side. Such placement was done because well you have to be able to perfectly ration the whippy creme with each raspberry,.. well OK,.. maybe that's just me :). Mind you it was night time and dark in the house. I keep the lights off most of the time due to my light sensitivity and with the migraines Ive been extra sensitive lately. I moved through the dark and found the couch waiting and was immediately pounced by my loyal seeing eye dachshund. As i watched my show and laughed i carefully ate my yummy berries n creme, slowly savoring. after about half was gone i noticed something sort of odd, something was in the bowl, ,hmm, probably just half of a raspberry i thought. i placed it upon my spoon, dipped it in for some creme then stopped. It didn't seem right but i couldn't really see. I pulled it closer and there on my spoon covered in that whippy creme i dreamed of all day,... was a dead bee! I almost ate that! In my head all i thought was " dang it blindish girl you almost did it again!" Not knowing what to do i went and placed it back on the mound of creme in the bowl and put it on the kitchen counter and waited for Shane to come home. When he got home and i showed him the poor little be we both laughed, relieved i had not eaten it not knowing what could've happened. He called the store and got the manager  who replied " wait ,.. a bee bee? like a buzzing one? it wasn't that warm outside!" they suggested we bring it back in in the container. Not wanting to send him back covered in creme, i placed him in the container and rinsed him off.after he was clean i dropped him back in the raspberry container where he had died not willing to give up that delicious raspberry.

If i had better vision i would've seen that bee, or not picked up that weird thing on the balcony that turned out to be a dead June bug last summer. Even with all our bodies and minds are put through remember the funny things and it really gets easier.Find and reach out to others who seem to be going through what you are and talk about it. Most importantly, don't forget to take care of you. Those with physical losses are some of the most selfless and caring people, but they don't take care of themselves enough. you are just as important, I'm learning this the hard way. And don't forget to laugh  no matter what :)

Just remember the bee in the raspberries .

my long hiatus from blogging

its been a while since ive posted. Mostly because of faamily and health reasons. As of late i fell into a completely typical place as amomwhere i had not taken care of my health and put it off as not important as i raise my child and take care of my fiance. This is such a bad thing most of us do. We feel taking care of our selves somehow takes away fromour familys. When the truth is if we dont our familys wont have us as long to take the gentle loving care we give them.

So after this stubborn mom and artist found herself in the hospital for her migraines , i have made it a point to put my health as a priority. Im also wondering how many other with vision issues get very bad migraines?? I have whats called "eye migraines" where i see and aurora of lights and lose vison temporarily but these are getting very bad. Strangly they believe its from my neck pinching a nerve causing the migraines. My bad neck from,.. squiting! From craining to to see the computer or, text, or even my art. Well ill get back to writing next week or as soon as my migraines calm down. till then thank everyone for reading, and messaging :)

"why god?" part 2,.. Angels will always be there for you

I cant drive, how will i be independant??

The next step was getting a vision iteneret and a mobility teacher. I was wasn't sure how that would go but they assured me it would help me to "adjust". Well at this point i had somehow lived with this disability and loss for now 15yrs, what exactly was i adjusting too? To be quite honest it became more of how to teach others to adjust to me.

High school didn't go very well for me in this way,  not all school books got enlarged, i had teachers call me out and ridicule me in class, I watched all my friends start to drive and i was taking the bus.My school counselor even found someway to mess up my college applications, they went in late ,..too late, i had missed a class i ended up taking in summer school, and i had to leave the swim team.Swimming was my absolute favorite part of high school besides theatre. But the truth was, i had been having problems seeing the end of the pool, the depth, and i dint want anyone to know. Id count it out but that paired up with me growing a chlorine allergy was bad. My eyes still do not mix well with pools they've grown so sensitive that they swell and itch, non chlorine pools are best but not the same.It had gotten worse from freshman year and i couldn't fake it or hide it anymore.Not even goggles did it, in fact the feel of the goggles around my eye were so bad and was so sensitive i couldn't keep them on either. I left, they all thought i had made it up, i cried for weeks because my vision and poor eyes robbed me of another thing i loved and would never completely enjoy again.

Through all this I had joined the bible study my junior year. They were really nice and i ended up helping run the meetings. It was the way for me to ask the questions i had with my peers and not feel so alone.

I had never felt so touched as i did the first time i went to visit my great grandmother after i found out.

My mother and aunts were getting together for a sister reunion and i asked one of my friends to drive me to go visit her. She lives across the state in Iowa but i really wanted to see her and my aunt Betty. After he dropped me off we all sat and talked, we talked for awhile. It was then that my connection to her became even stronger. See when i was very little she lived very far away, we would send each other or trade when we saw each other stuffed animals. My great gramma lived in Arizona at the time and would send back Polaroids of our friends sitting on her bed.It was how i felt close to her even states away.She looked at me and pointed to her bookshelf. She had me get up and grab one of the many book about angels she had. We sat for hours talking about them, and how she believed we all had them, and that no mater what vision i lost my angels would always be there to protect and guide me. From this moment on i started collecting angles. The day i lost my most special angle i put a stuffed ty angel bear with her so she always had a piece of me no matter how far away she was.


The next few days with her that weekend were great as always. we played solitaire(she was the best solitaire player to ever exist) and watched lots of "touched by an angel". I laughed as her and my great aunt talked about how cute the Wendy's guy and the dunkin doughnuts guy were.I think my great grandmother was an incredibly strong woman, i didn't seem to see that she was very torn up about my eye disease diagnosis. The afternoon before leaving I will never forget.

My mother and my aunts came by the house, i was so excited i love all my aunts they are the perfect definition of strong smart and beautiful and that's no joke. That whole side of the family, those are woman who make history you know the type i mean.We had a great time we all joked and laughed and hung out and i was just so happy to get to see them. I never got to live close to my extended family, the seldom reunion was about it so this was a rare treat.After lunch my great gramma called everyone into her room. She asked me to sit down on her bed. I looked up at ^ of the stronger woman i would ever know and they look serious but were smiling. My great grandmother then proceeded to have everyone hold hands and pray for me.They formed a prayer circle and asked god to cure my vision, to heal my eyes.I tried very hard not to cry with my head bowed. I felt sad that my family was so upset, but touched in that moment.

I guess that for me God had a different plan that none of us realized. Maybe i still don't.

We parted from the circle and my great gramma held me very tight. All of us holding it together best we could giving each other big hugs.Before i left she called me back in. She had given me a bible but told me that this one was special. She gave me what was her personal bible, there were so many little messages in the sides i could barely read. She has the most wonderful and gorgeous handwriting. She told me that this bible would help with any question i had like it helped her.She then told me she had one more thing for me, she went into a box and gave me a small silver object with a jade type object on the front. She said she knew i would take good care of it, it was her make up compact from her junior prom, it was this etched silver-ish color with a green black and white decor on the front. She explained when she was a junior like me she wore it on her pink at her first real dance.I felt honored I hugged and thanked her and promised id take good care of it.

The compact sits in side my jewelry box waiting for my wedding this year, and her bible sits alongside.  I'm going to ask that it be used in the ceremony so my angel knows how much i still love her.

There are many things you learn when you start your path, were your faith is, how strong those you look up to really are, and whether or not you really want to know the answer to  "why god why me,..why am i meant to lose my vision is this my purpose?"

In loving memory of my angel, Rachel Lucille Sperry the woman i am named after and will never be forgotten.

"why god?" part 1

This is the question you ask in between gut wrenching periods of tears,

It was the day you found out or the day you really knew,

Everyone has gone through it, and you never forget that moment.

sophomore year high school swim team

My sophomore year of high school had started really well, i was on the swim team, was in theater mostly back stage but was excited to audition for the new play even for a small part.The play was called "The Canterville Ghost", a fun English pay about a ghost who never passed on and was attempting to haunt an English family's home.To my great excitement i was casted in my first play as one of the unwelcome house
geists. It was a funny role , full of physical comedy and comic relief.These were the roles i wanted, not the drama but that funny character who comes on for a brief moment but makes you laugh, laugh so much you remember that little part even when its over.

The only thing that could've topped this feeling was that i got accepted into drivers ed class at the beginning of the year.I couldn't wait to drive, i had picked out the car i wanted at the time and my father had begun bringing me out at night into the high school parking lot to practice. Unknown to me my father was trying to find me a Honda 750 motorcycle as my first vehicle, i wanted a Camero. All i needed was to pass the test and to go to the eye doctor.

Ugh the eye doctor, my whole life that person became the nemesis of my existence. I had been told i had everything wrong with me from lazy eye, to just plain lying. When they gave me glass i managed to always break or lose them, the migraines i got were worse then punishment for talking in class.Nevertheless with  a referral from my brothers girlfriend at the time we went to a new doctor to get my vision test for my permit .It took a while to get the results from my test but my mom informed me i would need to get more tests from a referral doctor.

there was a pit in my stomach.Why? Why did i need more tests, am i about to be a new doctors guinea pig again ??

I left from school one day and went with my mom to the new doctor.Everything seem fine til i heard him tell my mother i need a special test.She reassured me it was just to help me get some new glasses and it would be fine.My mother was always great at calming me down, she knew what to say to rationalize it enough that i stopped worrying.We came back a week later and i sat confused as he gave me some excuse for the test he was going to do. My mind quickly thought it was something straight out of the clockwork orange.It was a dye test, where i had to hold open my eyes one at a time, not blink and wait for photos of my eye to be taken. After this they injected my  eye with yellow dye, then more drops in my eyes and had me repeat  the test again. It was called a Fluorescein angiography. "Fluorescein angiography is a test which allows the blood vessels in the back of the eye to be photographed as a fluorescent dye is injected into the bloodstream via your hand or arm". I had more drops at the end and went home eyes burning behind wrap around dark shades, my mom had to lead me around.

Time passed and it was weeks after my test, i had been dong really well in my drivers ed class learning the "rules of the road", and it was opening night of my show."Rachel please don't read this but pass this to your nurse today."my mother handed me an envelope from the eye doctor. She gave me a brief explanation that it was what they needed and wed talk about it later after my show. I didn't really think about it much for the rest of the day. So much that i forgot to give it to the nurse,..

Opening night i was so excited, my mom was there and my brother, i remembered all my lines and was ready. I had just finished my costume , all my body makeup and my hair.I was bored, i didn't come on til the end of the first act, i thought maybe id  find something to do.I looked through my backpack to find something to pass the time, and there it was the envelope i forgot to drop off. I held it and wondered why it was so secret and felt curious and thought i'd read it.

I still wish i hadn't , that night wasn't the time for it, and i was not ready for what it contained. My whole life changed in a second, everything i thought id do, be , drive, everything. I swear i heard the world stop around me.I don't remember much of those first moments after the first line
"after testing we have found that patient has age related Stargardts Macular degeneration,.."
as i read i remember feeling like every bone in my body turned into jello, then i felt hands on me helping me back up off the floor. My eyes started to burn from all the Ben Nye makeup running in them.

A felt a friend take the letter from my hand,."oh my god!"
I never thought id stop crying, I had never been so lost in my life.

Stop the world ,....I wanna get off.

Nothing was more embarrassing then looking up with tear blurred eyes to a crowd off teenagers all looking at you as if you were some poor pathetic injured animal. At this point I'm pretty sure almost everyone back there had read the letter or told it via the telephone game till everyone knew.

this was about the time that the first stage of fear and pain started to fade and the numb shock stage set in. They were holding me up and i just stood there numb cold, and confused. I was a little cleared and took the letter back, reading it over now with fine tooth comb."vision is around 20/200 and would benefit from disability assistance ",."this is a degenerative disease"..."visually impaired/legally blind,.."would not benefit from glasses", and somewhere was a referral for a specialist in Stargardts.
I looked up at my friends and all i could say was" I'm going blind?"

The teacher came in and was quickly briefed my a new crowd of students apparently already up on the situation. She asked me if i was going on, told me to brush it off. What choice did i have i had family in the audience. A frantic array of hands came to me everyone trying to help get me back into character hair makeup, to group my senses back to go and perform. Somehow and i still don't know how i did it, i did, i lost myself in my character, i toppled out upside down , i did my Chevy Chase prop falls, i hit every joke, and i bowed at the curtain call. my greatest performance was not showing how scared and terrified i really was.

By the end of the night my mom knew i read it, my brother found out, and my father lost it. my numb stage lasted awhile, they didn't yell at me even when they heard me crying ,i know my mom heard , but she gave me space. She was the strongest I don't know how it was as a parent to be that Strong for me while she knew what was going on, but she did. I think about that as i parent my daughter, who got the letter this week that she is being referred to a eye doctor for failing the schools vision test. Could i be that strong for her?

I had brought the letter into school, the head of the P.E. department told me i was making it all up and made me finish my drivers ed class, I scored an A, the most pointless A i would ever get. Needless to say my mother had a phone conversation with that woman and she was the sweetest lady every time we spoke after.

It was around this time that the longest phase hit , the "why God" phase.We have all asked this, whom ever you pray or whatever your beliefs, when you get the news that your world is changing in any drastic way, you ask it, and you patiently wait for that answer.

form me, i took out the Bible my great grandmother had given me, i opened it. I was determined to read it from beginning to end in search of finding my answers,..

we all remember where we started to look for answers, I think sometimes remembering were we started makes us appreciate where we are going and where we have gotten to,....

seeing beauty through your hands

side  view of "the most perfect of chaos" while in final stages

The opening to "altered perception" focused on my newest series, my touchable art.It was something i dreamed about for 2 years now.I loved the black and white for its complete example of my light sensitivity, but i longed for anther way to make it more accessible to the blind and visually impaired.I for years had gone out of my way to create fake depth in creative way since i see none and texture both visual and touchable.

When talking with my father at a family gathering i said" what if i made it touchable?"I then started to explain my thought, if i could have a touchable face and then paint in black and white not only would sighted people understand more how i see but then through touching the canvas no matter you impairment you could see it with your hands?"i thought for sure he would give me that look he gives me when i say something he doesn't understand. To my surprise he  said "if you don't try it you'd be stupid". now if you have ever met my father you'd know that that statement is about as encouraging as he gets, so i went on with trying to form it out in my mind.

That Christmas my mother gave me art store gift cards to pursue my idea, i excitedly ran out to get the supplies.I bought anything i thought id need, and they sat in my art storage bin for over a year.

after  doing my first black box gallery show and painting a live model, i realized i wanted to go about it a different way i heard a lot of" i don't understand how you paint it, i like it but i don't get it", of course from sighted viewers. I prayed for someway to get to a better art level and of understanding thru it.Then it hit me to try the touchable art.



Bridgette casting in raw form

 My first willing model was Mrs Bridgette. She was my first brave caster when i had not a clue what i was doing really and she triggered me to want to keep going.

from there i started casually asking previous models and those who had inquired if they would sit, as i did more and more i got into a groove the vision of the works came clear and i knew as my main piece i wanted to pay homage to my first piece sold professionally"perfect chaos".since that piece was an escalation of me losing vision transitioning into more modern/classical art it was the best choice.

It  become something i looking forward to, seeing friends/models i had missed and not seen in awhile, girl talking, art, music, and laughing,..lots of laughing!


model/friends Brit and Larissa  getting plastered, oh yeah and me being silly

When they sat down i would tell them to relax and think about the viewer. T o remember to focus on the viewer that cannot see or see well, to remember how they would feel the face how they would feel it, and then id tell them to think of a thought or emotion, whatever they thought was small id tell them they see in the face. They all sacrificed hair, skin and patience to sit for me! they were wonderful, my bridg,ne',brit,vero, and issa,.. and yeah and i sat,..

I decided through this process if i was gong to make my models do it i would too, and since my vision is is so i knew it wouldn't matter if i casted my face and couldn't see. I pre cut the pieces, set up all my supplies and laid them out on our bathroom counter where i could find them with only my hands. AN hour later i somehow finished doing the whole process completely blind, and learning more so what they went through for me.

As i assembled the first four touchable pieces i realized that i was achieving that which i had prayed for, the idea coming through better then i could have hoped for.



"the most perfect chaos" in its sculpting phase




"the most perfect chaos" final stage




attaching the arm to touch "the famine touch"







at the opening, "release " on far left, "longing" on top right, and touchable  piece "three graces" on bottom right




self portrait" Rae" touchable piece in final form waiting to be hung

As i reflect back and feel blessed that i could make a dream come true through my art, i am thankful for my friends, and thank god for giving my the drive to paint. The  next 2 pieces I'm doing will be touchable and on the largest scale i have ever done, At the show people got to touch and feel my art. being able oto say " yes please touch the paintings it ok here! its not a museum please experience it with your eyes closed as well" what a reaction!

I look forward to finishing the next two pieces " muses 9" and "Adam and Eve", and watching people see through there hands the beauty of my models :)

inspiration and love comes in the littlest packages

My daughter walks into the front room and taps my shoulder,
"mommy?"
"yes peanut ?"
"I'm so glad your an artist."
she says this and hugs me, big smile on her face as i hear the room grow silent and i hold back a tear.

i promised id go to her parent teacher conference in my hello kitty pj pants, and i kept that promise :)

My daughter is 6 yrs old, and she has a lot more on her plate then some average kids do, she has many many questions about mommy's vision, and art. After i had done my first show, had my mentor passed and then was rejected from the second show i had a new burst of energy and had donated some pieces i made to a charity fundraiser. I was catching speed again finding a groove and thought everything was gong great. Then the best curve ball was thrown to me, doctors were confused, they said i couldn't ever get pregnant but there i was at the doctors office, finding out i was 2 months and expecting.

sometimes bad things can happen to make room for the best things in life, me and my fiance separated, and i began the journey to single blind-ish parenthood. It was terrifying I had all of these second thoughts that id have problems and what do i do if i cant read the expiration dates and,..all you who are parents with  blindness no matter what degree remember the panicked thoughts and sleepless nights I'm sure. Even parents with out disabilities I'm sure have some sort of  pre-parenthood panic.

then the day came when God brought me my little miracle, all 6 lbs plus of little bouncing baby girl.My art sat back for a year while i raised my baby girl, with amazing support of family and friends. The center of my world and all around it, truly my miracle. Soon my fears started to pass and i got back into painting, when i painted she would color.

Soon she got old enough to ask for things and questions, "we have car?" "no baby mommy cant see good enough to drive""why?"
"whats that?""its my cane""why?" soon that question became"mommy why don't you use that more?" and my answer is always" why when i have my wonderful seeing eye daughter?"

As  I started doing more shows i would bring her with, and she would tell people all about me.The first local convention art show we went to she came with and sat in the room in front of where i was starting to hang my paintings. It was my first time showing at this con and she was excited. :hi: she would say when  someone walked pass,"this is MY Mommy's art!". They would always smile and giggle and tell her she was adorable.She got so into my shows even starting at 3 she would ask to make her hair light pink like the girl from lazy town so she felt as artsy as mommy shed say.

A few weeks ago  i finished three paintings, "beauty in the haze" its a series of ballet dancers done on canvas board painted in a blurry black and white."mommy do i touch these so i can see them like blind people do with my hands?"
"no sweetie, stand back over here now look at them, make your eyes all squinty til they are fuzzy."
"OK,.. wow those look cool!"
I laughed," glad you think its cool that's how it looks if mommy was to go and watch a ballet."
"oh,.mommy i love your art!"




My biggest fan modeling in front of her favorite piece


Through every thing i went through and continue to my daughter has become so accepting and understanding to someone with a disability no matter what it is , its not a big deal to her, she See's them as normal just like mommy.She knows i cant see allot but is so supportive and encouraging.She is by far the strongest woman i know.She goes to all my shows, and if you ever go to one i can guarantee that ll you ll hear my little girl explaining my pieces to passers by or bragging about how proud she is of me. she watches me paint,comes in the morning to see what Ive done and even tells me i need to sleep more.

At the opening  of "altered Perception "she was there, showing her friend another little girl at the show how to "see" with her hands to read her mommy's bio in braille



Our friend on the left and daughter on the right


This morning she tells me" mommy i want you to cast my face so blind people and people  like you can see me too. I promise i won't be scared""  I'm sorry sweetie but maybe when your older but you can watch me when i have more sittings. i replied. "yay!" she says as she excitedly dances out of the room.

I am the luckiest woman alive to have such a miracle and such a big little fan. I don't know where I'd be without her :)

To my own eyes stay true

This past 30 days of art and creativity has been more than i could imagine. I think perhaps in this short time Ive learned to accept and push myself more then ever before.

After starting this blog i realized it was good for the soul,  i mean it felt  good to type out how i felt felt through this journey and learn about others along the way who are own their own path living with and accepting there vision loss.After writing "you  say blind like its a bad thing,..yes maybe i do" I met Belinda. After corresponding back forth on our respective blogging pages and talking about embracing what you see and really putting it out there in whatever art you do, i starred at these ballerina sketches i had. They sat for almost a year in my studio. When i had decided to post pics of the sketches people really liked them but i didn't know what to do.I had started painting the black and white shadow series "double negative" in 2005 and i didn't want them to be the same.That night after reading her blog  "blindish" and commenting on each other, i turned and its as if they were waiting for that moment. I  took  out nothing but the black paint, and thought about how it is to watch a ballet from the audience,.. i see no color, it really is a have of beautiful movement and darkness.And here i went losing myself in this moment not trying to do anything but show the beauty in the haze.
This is what i learned from that,..


Beauty in the haze




Rehearsal




Center Stage




Opening Night


It felt so amazing to paint these and then have so many people find the way in which i saw the dancers to  be lovely , embracing my impairment even more helped me to feel even more comfortable on the canvas.

The show opening went amazing, and through the show i was asked by a friend to submit to a show gong on this weekend, I knew i needed to push myself from my comfort zone once again and said yes. I had some sketches i had done, more fantasy inspired of Faeries  Mermaids, centaurs,  since i knew some many including my daughters that loved them. After the opening one of the big hits was the belly dancer painting with the purple aura. I have tried to stay away from color. I  have lost much of my color vision and what i have is so muted from my light sensitivity, things look washed out.Between that and  me thinking no one would want bright colors and choose not to purchase based on their own color opinions i just stopped altogether. The last pieces i made were the s"study in humanity" pieces and i hated the way i tried to paint them.Even with that being said i decided to push myself anyway. I pulled out the sketch book and the canavas' that had sat and to my surprise i just  kept going! once i started i couldn't stop, no sleep not even much coffee needed. Hands growing encrusted in layers of paint as i kept moving,.. til i have 6 paintings done.Reluctantly i started posting them on my facebook, hoping that i did ok trying to keep my style but bring some color and fantasy.

Shockingly enough people loved the color, i didn't understand i thought it would be horrible but even my mother said,."even if you have to paint it brighter to see it the color is good".

My experimental fantasy series


Morning Dew




Meadow




Meadow,Midnight,Morning Dew, and Sunrise




Blush




Pearl

Hopefully they will do well in this weekends show, but even if they don't i know that Ive learned so much through my art and i remember to stay true  to what i can see, and continue to show the beauty in it, to my own eyes i will stay true.
My art is viewable this weekend at Capricon 2011 at the Westin Chicago North Shore and thru February at the Black Box Diamond in Hoffman Estates

the exquisite touch of braille

sitting at home still in a feeling of being blessed and tired, I was  excited to be asked to do another show this weekend. Coming off of the gallery opening and most of my works being there,  i went home to start getting together some pieces  I've been working on  to finish.

Through the coarse of gearing up and doing the touchable double negative pieces i decided to create more braille art. To me nothing is more  beautiful then writing something  on the canvas for those to see without vision and giving them a word or thought to create there own beautiful canvas in there mind.

I had several pieces from small ones that read "faith" in braille to larger ones that read"imagine the most beautiful thing".I had even made one that said my quote" we exist in beauty but choose to ignore it".

(this one reads "braille is beautiful")

 to my shock and joy two pieces of the braille art sold! This to me was so wonderful, i had created something in braille that people with  full sight found to be beautiful! this left me feeling far more encouraged to finish the braille pieces still at home in my studio.The next day i went to pick up more supplies and more beads to finish the ones at home.As i squinted to read the itsy bitsy print on the beads boxes a  store employee  came to offer me  help" can i help you miss?" she called me miss that was sweet, "yes please,.."  then the inevitable happened ,I realized i had to speak to someone at a store admitting my impairment to seek help. This is never easy no matter how long you've had it or the severity but i felt more confident then usual and explained to her that i needed a certain size bead, the shape and how many. Now this seemed to only  perplex my store helper more. She stood silent for a moment then very meekly asked" I'm sorry ma'am but can i ask what exactly you need these for?" OK,..I then explained the braille art i was making.I was shocked to see her face light up! she asked so many questions, not ignorant at all. I found out that she was a student going to school to work with ,..the visually impaired! Adults more specifically and she very excitedly dragged me around through the store to help me find everything i needed.

("love looks not with the eyes but with the mind" from the Tempest by William Shakespeare)

That was the first positive experience i had had in a store in a long time like that i made me smile the whole way home.Once home i began finishing up the last braille pieces left on the art table.I had taken some quotes from two of my favorite Shakespeare plays and drew them out in braille.After setting my braille beads up i held up my two experiments to see if i liked it,..and i just don't know why but Shakespeare is especially stunning in braille.My fingers ran over every bead, each placement and thought about bringing the art of braille to more sighted people. When your sighted you see braille in the oddest spots and it becomes a joke, but those who see it in my art i hope they realize how much it means to those who need it :)

My guide dog is a dachshund

so this morning as usual i did my morning routine,..

got my daughter ready for school and out to the bus, let our fluffy Maine Coon kitty Seven out on the porch so she could chase snowflakes,

 and then took out our Lil doxie puppy Riley.

Riley is almost 2 years old but the newest addition to our family we adopted him from a bad situation this past summer. He is an adorable black and brown medium haired 6 inch tall doxie boy.



I have been struggling for many years now on whether its time for me to get a guide dog, and well frankly i know it has been, but with all the support i have gotten from family and friends and my sheer stubbornness Ive put it off for as long as i could. I know that going out at night or in the bright sun is horrible for me, i admiringly walk around in a blur.Over this past year even i have come to accept that i cant go out by my self either, and i know a guide would help me be self relient again, maybe i can blame my stubborn nature on my irish heritage.

Well this morning i took out the doxie while my significant other slept in a bit and immediately had a rough time. even with my sunglasses on it was so white from the impending snow storm. The brightness and the multi levels of uneven ground being covered by a bright blinding blanket was going to be a challenge. Having no depth perception this made me nervous.

Then i looked down at Riley, there he was tail wagging ready to run through snow he knew was taller then him. He wasn't apprehensive at all, I could learn  alot from my little guy. "OK Riley show me wheres your potty", then off he went running through the snow dragging me around obstacles that i couldn't see but he could. Huge clusters of snow or drops in elevation that were big to him and would be bad for me he moved me right around.Somehow he even found the best way up a hill so i wouldn't fall!

I realized that even though i don't have an actual guide dog yet that he and I had learned how to navigate together and follow simple commands.He may not stop so well at a curb but when he heard the car coming down the drive he stopped for me.After he had his fun and went potty it was time for home"Riley show me home!" and off he went ! Ears flapping in the wind maneuvering around the obstacles with speed and agility to get me back home.

He may not be guide dog material to some, and really not all that i need but he is a wonderful guide to me and if i admit it or not maybe he is training me to BE guided.