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| my beautiful daughter |
8 words that broke my heart.
We sat in the room having girl time, watching t.v. and doing nails.We started watching master chef, one of my favorite shows. One of the contestants Christina is completely blind. Madie asked about her and I told her she was a great cook and got help from her assistant to gather ingredients and read things. Gordon Ramsey surprised them with photos and letters from home and Christina's had to be read to her. It made me cry because it was so sweet they read her letter to her.she still got to hear how proud her husband was of her accomplishments even with her limitations. Then Madie started crying. I thought it was from how sweet the moment was on t.v. then she jumped in my lap sobbing,
" mommy I don't want you to go blind!"
Its not that I had avoided this conversation since my doctor's appointment but I did. I kept hoping that she didn't really understand and she could remain being a happy little almost 8 year old girl.
I held her tight and told her its going to be okay, and if its God will then we need to just trust in God.
"mommy are you scared?"
"yes I am"
"why are you losing more vision?" she asked. So I began explaining in as many not scary words as I could about how I have already lost my central vision with Stargardt's and the Retinitis Pigmentation gives you tunnel vision, but the end of my tunnel is already gone. I tried to tell her maybe I wont lose all my peripheral, and maybe they will find a cure.
I realized just because I was coming to terms and accepting my further vision lose SHE was not. She just wanted her mommy to see better, even with the impairments she had . She didn't understand it being Gods will she wanted nothing bad to happen to her mom.
I felt so selfish, I hadn't thought about it because she seems so blissfully ignorant to the severity of it all.As parents we tend to forget a few things: 1 our kids are smarter then we think, and 2 what we go through so do they.
She told me she wants to live with me forever and help em take care of dad, and to take care of me. I thought about how scary this was for her .
I need to be even stronger for her.
Madie its going to be okay, Love Mom
Madie my love....you are never alone and your mommy loves you. Never fear, your mommy will always be with you. And remember this above all else....you are loved. Rae my wonderful 'ginja'....I love you and I pray for strength to send to you in dealing with everything you have. I may be far but you are still close to me. <3
ReplyDeletethank you hun, it means alot to have such a good support system . reminds me im not alone :)
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