Ive been having this weird tingling in my eyes thru these past few months. On top of my stargdratds macular dystrophy i feel like my eyes are falling asleep. The Doctor said its a normal symptom of the cervicogenic migraines. I asked him when id be able to paint again, his response was a typical doctor telling me the first step was to reduce my pain.
I know he is doing the right doctor type thing but i want to keep creating. As an artist maybe because of my lack of vision or maybe more importantly the unwanted fear of a block i don't want to stop.Ive had these tingles of inspiration here and there the last week. I keep having them so i assume its my mind wanting me to put it on canvas. I have the 9 muses canvas/sculpture art to make, a solo sculpture of myself ( which will no doubtingly be harder then the face cast) but i have these ideas for bright bold color.
I said to my mom in a conversation last month " but mom i don't paint colors because i cant really see them or the true shades, it'd have to be bold Bright and over the top so i could see them"
"So,..do it anyway" she said
Simple response to an emotion filled statement. Shes right I think because Ive painted what i can see I'm more afraid of stepping out and painting with the colors i can and cannot see. I mean its inevitable that colors merge together, that mixing happens . I cant just go primary and secondary can i?? Maybe the colors that form that i cant see in that case just becomes part of the art?
Its so hard i don't really have much color paint here at home and at the moment I'm sorta of housebound. With the cervico migraines of doom day time light is a trigger for more pain, straining here now at the comp strains the muscle putting pressure on my spine which is more pain and painting over the easel, sadly not going to happen. I feel though if i dont get back to it it may be lost forever, i don't want to waste any gift of creativity on fear ill never get it back or wont be able to paint.
<here is my rock,.. and yeah over there> that's my hard place,..
I have to find some way to do it now matter what, its how or when that's up in the air
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
the symptoms of being blind,..ish (ode to a bee)
I think sometimes we have symptoms of our visual issues. A secondary affect on our bodies and minds from our blindish lifestyles.
Ive had some time off of blogging due to health issues. i like many Americans Ive found out i have high bad cholesterol. It was a huge shock to me since I'm fairly young and didn't think i had eaten that poorly, and 2 that i have a severe dust allergy. I found all these out while seeking a doctor for my migraines,.. lol a bit more news then i had anticipated.
With many visually impaired people there are migraines. those horrid reminders of a day full of squinting and straining. We can get tension headaches from this, eye strain, "eye" migraines causing auras and temporary lose of vision, and then just utterly horrid migraines. It started to make me think how much vision loss effects our whole body's. In going to the doctors they told me what they think the cause of my extremely bad ones are " i think you've pinched a nerve in your neck from straining to see." I have a blind re-lated injury? It appears so, from years of cranking and improper sizes and what not Ive actually injured my neck causing migraines. Ive suddenly become so aware of my neck and how i hold it, many of you maybe be sitting up straighter right now.
I started to think about all the bruises Ive had, oh yeah and some doosies! no matter how much i know there is a table there, its going to catch me in the shin when i least expect it to, or a corner i thought wasn't close reaches out and bites my elbow, mean corners.Don't even get me started on the random toy of my daughters that find its way under my heel since i cant see a barbie boot, or a mini my little pony on the floor!
But i don't think it ends there, it really seems down to the smallest injury we tend to be a bit rough on our poor bodies, even mentally.Many people I've met with visual disabilities seem to also have (whether its hidden or not) anxiety, panic attacks, or some form of depression. It really takes a toll on us even the strongest who appear completely adjusted have gone through some sort of emotional issue. the years of ridicule, or lack of acceptance, for me i have trouble in n places I've never been. i can get around with confidence but if i don't know how to get home since i cant see streets signs, or lose a companion who's with me i have had panic attacks. In all the support organizations I've found why is it no one talks about that? I bet you more people would find it easier if they knew they too were not alone.
Food related traumas,.. Ive eaten more bad food, drank bad things, and mistakenly bought bad fruit. The other night has to be one of my favorites of these,..
With my new no sugar, no fat, no cholesterol diet i found a loop hole for dessert; berries in fat free whippy creme! I thought about it all day and couldn't wait for that bowl.Turned the t.v. on to "bizarre foods" (great show) and went to get my dessert. As per serving suggestions i placed 2 servings of whippy creme on one side of the bowl, then emptied the small container of raspberries on the other side. Such placement was done because well you have to be able to perfectly ration the whippy creme with each raspberry,.. well OK,.. maybe that's just me :). Mind you it was night time and dark in the house. I keep the lights off most of the time due to my light sensitivity and with the migraines Ive been extra sensitive lately. I moved through the dark and found the couch waiting and was immediately pounced by my loyal seeing eye dachshund. As i watched my show and laughed i carefully ate my yummy berries n creme, slowly savoring. after about half was gone i noticed something sort of odd, something was in the bowl, ,hmm, probably just half of a raspberry i thought. i placed it upon my spoon, dipped it in for some creme then stopped. It didn't seem right but i couldn't really see. I pulled it closer and there on my spoon covered in that whippy creme i dreamed of all day,... was a dead bee! I almost ate that! In my head all i thought was " dang it blindish girl you almost did it again!" Not knowing what to do i went and placed it back on the mound of creme in the bowl and put it on the kitchen counter and waited for Shane to come home. When he got home and i showed him the poor little be we both laughed, relieved i had not eaten it not knowing what could've happened. He called the store and got the manager who replied " wait ,.. a bee bee? like a buzzing one? it wasn't that warm outside!" they suggested we bring it back in in the container. Not wanting to send him back covered in creme, i placed him in the container and rinsed him off.after he was clean i dropped him back in the raspberry container where he had died not willing to give up that delicious raspberry.
If i had better vision i would've seen that bee, or not picked up that weird thing on the balcony that turned out to be a dead June bug last summer. Even with all our bodies and minds are put through remember the funny things and it really gets easier.Find and reach out to others who seem to be going through what you are and talk about it. Most importantly, don't forget to take care of you. Those with physical losses are some of the most selfless and caring people, but they don't take care of themselves enough. you are just as important, I'm learning this the hard way. And don't forget to laugh no matter what :)
Just remember the bee in the raspberries .
Ive had some time off of blogging due to health issues. i like many Americans Ive found out i have high bad cholesterol. It was a huge shock to me since I'm fairly young and didn't think i had eaten that poorly, and 2 that i have a severe dust allergy. I found all these out while seeking a doctor for my migraines,.. lol a bit more news then i had anticipated.
With many visually impaired people there are migraines. those horrid reminders of a day full of squinting and straining. We can get tension headaches from this, eye strain, "eye" migraines causing auras and temporary lose of vision, and then just utterly horrid migraines. It started to make me think how much vision loss effects our whole body's. In going to the doctors they told me what they think the cause of my extremely bad ones are " i think you've pinched a nerve in your neck from straining to see." I have a blind re-lated injury? It appears so, from years of cranking and improper sizes and what not Ive actually injured my neck causing migraines. Ive suddenly become so aware of my neck and how i hold it, many of you maybe be sitting up straighter right now.
I started to think about all the bruises Ive had, oh yeah and some doosies! no matter how much i know there is a table there, its going to catch me in the shin when i least expect it to, or a corner i thought wasn't close reaches out and bites my elbow, mean corners.Don't even get me started on the random toy of my daughters that find its way under my heel since i cant see a barbie boot, or a mini my little pony on the floor!
But i don't think it ends there, it really seems down to the smallest injury we tend to be a bit rough on our poor bodies, even mentally.Many people I've met with visual disabilities seem to also have (whether its hidden or not) anxiety, panic attacks, or some form of depression. It really takes a toll on us even the strongest who appear completely adjusted have gone through some sort of emotional issue. the years of ridicule, or lack of acceptance, for me i have trouble in n places I've never been. i can get around with confidence but if i don't know how to get home since i cant see streets signs, or lose a companion who's with me i have had panic attacks. In all the support organizations I've found why is it no one talks about that? I bet you more people would find it easier if they knew they too were not alone.
Food related traumas,.. Ive eaten more bad food, drank bad things, and mistakenly bought bad fruit. The other night has to be one of my favorites of these,..
With my new no sugar, no fat, no cholesterol diet i found a loop hole for dessert; berries in fat free whippy creme! I thought about it all day and couldn't wait for that bowl.Turned the t.v. on to "bizarre foods" (great show) and went to get my dessert. As per serving suggestions i placed 2 servings of whippy creme on one side of the bowl, then emptied the small container of raspberries on the other side. Such placement was done because well you have to be able to perfectly ration the whippy creme with each raspberry,.. well OK,.. maybe that's just me :). Mind you it was night time and dark in the house. I keep the lights off most of the time due to my light sensitivity and with the migraines Ive been extra sensitive lately. I moved through the dark and found the couch waiting and was immediately pounced by my loyal seeing eye dachshund. As i watched my show and laughed i carefully ate my yummy berries n creme, slowly savoring. after about half was gone i noticed something sort of odd, something was in the bowl, ,hmm, probably just half of a raspberry i thought. i placed it upon my spoon, dipped it in for some creme then stopped. It didn't seem right but i couldn't really see. I pulled it closer and there on my spoon covered in that whippy creme i dreamed of all day,... was a dead bee! I almost ate that! In my head all i thought was " dang it blindish girl you almost did it again!" Not knowing what to do i went and placed it back on the mound of creme in the bowl and put it on the kitchen counter and waited for Shane to come home. When he got home and i showed him the poor little be we both laughed, relieved i had not eaten it not knowing what could've happened. He called the store and got the manager who replied " wait ,.. a bee bee? like a buzzing one? it wasn't that warm outside!" they suggested we bring it back in in the container. Not wanting to send him back covered in creme, i placed him in the container and rinsed him off.after he was clean i dropped him back in the raspberry container where he had died not willing to give up that delicious raspberry.
If i had better vision i would've seen that bee, or not picked up that weird thing on the balcony that turned out to be a dead June bug last summer. Even with all our bodies and minds are put through remember the funny things and it really gets easier.Find and reach out to others who seem to be going through what you are and talk about it. Most importantly, don't forget to take care of you. Those with physical losses are some of the most selfless and caring people, but they don't take care of themselves enough. you are just as important, I'm learning this the hard way. And don't forget to laugh no matter what :)
Just remember the bee in the raspberries .
Thursday, March 3, 2011
my long hiatus from blogging
its been a while since ive posted. Mostly because of faamily and health reasons. As of late i fell into a completely typical place as amomwhere i had not taken care of my health and put it off as not important as i raise my child and take care of my fiance. This is such a bad thing most of us do. We feel taking care of our selves somehow takes away fromour familys. When the truth is if we dont our familys wont have us as long to take the gentle loving care we give them.
So after this stubborn mom and artist found herself in the hospital for her migraines , i have made it a point to put my health as a priority. Im also wondering how many other with vision issues get very bad migraines?? I have whats called "eye migraines" where i see and aurora of lights and lose vison temporarily but these are getting very bad. Strangly they believe its from my neck pinching a nerve causing the migraines. My bad neck from,.. squiting! From craining to to see the computer or, text, or even my art. Well ill get back to writing next week or as soon as my migraines calm down. till then thank everyone for reading, and messaging :)
So after this stubborn mom and artist found herself in the hospital for her migraines , i have made it a point to put my health as a priority. Im also wondering how many other with vision issues get very bad migraines?? I have whats called "eye migraines" where i see and aurora of lights and lose vison temporarily but these are getting very bad. Strangly they believe its from my neck pinching a nerve causing the migraines. My bad neck from,.. squiting! From craining to to see the computer or, text, or even my art. Well ill get back to writing next week or as soon as my migraines calm down. till then thank everyone for reading, and messaging :)
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