positivly positive

A friend asked me a question,.


How can you stay so positive?


my initial response,


because I have to.

I think I have learned to cope in the best way possible.I am not saying I don't get sad or depressed here and there but its important to accept that it will get  you down, its how you pick yourself up and carry through that counts. 

Grandma said the best thing today and i think this is how to best describe me and faith" I dont wear my religion on my sleeve i keep it in my heart." I found my faith and spirituality and its part of how i manage to be so strong when its so hard. I truelly believe that it is Gods will and I need to trust in him. I feel how ever hard it gets that  I will be carried through the roughest of times. Most importantly I believe that I have had this obsticle because  I can help people through my art and my experience.Helping others selflessly makes it worth it. someone said once "Be who God meant you to be and you'll set the world on fire", and I do believe that.

Now not everyone has strong faith or even has concrete beliefs and that's fine. Family is the second thing that makes me smile everyday. When I feel down and I sit and think about it all I remember that even though its happening to me it happening to them too, and they accept me for who I am. We laugh through things whenever possible. When I got my little concussion last week and ran into the glass door, I was the first person to laugh. and so did my family who witnessed it. they made sure I was ok  and we giggled about it some more. They are my guides and my eyes to the world.  they do not feel im a burden even if I think I am.They keep me positive and are willing to fight even when i don't think I can, they support my artwork and everything I do and I know when the world gets a little darker for me they will always try to brighten it up.



I had a friend give me a book a long time agao called" dont sweat the mall stuff". It talked about how little things in the long run dont matter . I read through it and adopted a philosophy that it is perfectly ok to cry about something that upsets, scares, or hurts you, but only for that moment. YOU cant let those fears overtake your life you can only cry about it to relieve that stress and then let it go. I spent too many years after high school crying over what was to come, and not enjoying the vision I HAD. Days go by quickly, don't waste them worrying about the future or you will lose the past.

I think that brings me to the best advice I could give her, talk about it and cry only when you need to.Accept that your afraid but don't let it overrun you. every once in a while when accepting harsh disabilities or things like it in life we get  too bottled up. We are kind of like a tea pot, we heat up slowly with emotion when we don't face them and at some point you have to let it out and scream! Its healthy to let it out once and awhile. It can get frustrating especially with anything happening to you that is degenerative. let out your frustration find some way to do it and then move on.youll feel better when you do and will have a clear head to find a way to better handle  everything. If you find someone to talk to whenever you really need it you can keep it form happening. find a friend with a simalar issue or someone who has given you the support you need and bend their ear. relieve it as it happens instead of exploding whenever possible.


No one can completely predict the future  , we know what the doctors say will happen. What they can't control is hope. Keep hope you will find a way, keep hope maybe that they will find a remedy or a cure, keep hope that you will be okay. 
No one is perfect and strong , 
we all go through it diffrently 
but we can get through it, 
and do it with a smile.

And I always remember , I'm not alone.

"id give you medicine if your tummy aches,..build you a fire if the furnace breaks,.."

Some friends have asked me over the past few years how i have become so positive, how Ive started painting more and  how  Ive become so happy. I was always and independent person. with lack of vision instead of relying on people i become more afraid to and More stand off-ish. I relied more on myself for fear of being told i was taking advantage of people.

and it always happened someone would say" you always ask people to drive you around you take advantage of people!" I wouldn't try to either, id go about taking cabs and trains, some one would offer to help, then scrutinize me for taking he help! It was a vicious circle and i hated it, so i become as self reliant as i could.

But you see the problem with that is at some point you lose the ability to ask for help. Much worse the ability to take help with out feeling horribly guilty.I may be on steady terms with my vision as afar as accepting but i know others aren't, so with everyone who tried to still help me, it was met with fear, a million thank yous and a " please I'm OK now you don't need to do that again"

I also become more afraid of dating, more afraid of meeting new people. What happens with meeting is telling everyone all over again about my vision instead of getting to know each other. Sometimes it came with pity, and i hated that.

3 years ago i began talking with a man i had talked with only a few times but knew through mutual friends. That phone call 3 years ago this week  become the beginning of me learning to look at the world in a different way. It took one man to make me realize how close minded i was and how stubborn i was! He was so very sweet and for the first time i felt comfortable talking to someone, telling him why i painted, admitting my vision loss ,and why i was a single mom. That acceptance and that kindness and understanding has only grown through the years, triumphed through very low times and still beats strong even today.

I am stronger, more open, and happier because i realized i didn't have to do things on my own, i could have a partner in crime , a friend to guide me through, someone to keep me laughing through just about anything.

Today i dedicate my blog to my future husband and my best friend, to Shane who taught me more about my self, love and the world then anyone has. Thank you for being my biggest fan, support my art and encouraging me to live my dreams, i am blessed to know i get to" grow old with you " :)

the exquisite touch of braille

sitting at home still in a feeling of being blessed and tired, I was  excited to be asked to do another show this weekend. Coming off of the gallery opening and most of my works being there,  i went home to start getting together some pieces  I've been working on  to finish.

Through the coarse of gearing up and doing the touchable double negative pieces i decided to create more braille art. To me nothing is more  beautiful then writing something  on the canvas for those to see without vision and giving them a word or thought to create there own beautiful canvas in there mind.

I had several pieces from small ones that read "faith" in braille to larger ones that read"imagine the most beautiful thing".I had even made one that said my quote" we exist in beauty but choose to ignore it".

(this one reads "braille is beautiful")

 to my shock and joy two pieces of the braille art sold! This to me was so wonderful, i had created something in braille that people with  full sight found to be beautiful! this left me feeling far more encouraged to finish the braille pieces still at home in my studio.The next day i went to pick up more supplies and more beads to finish the ones at home.As i squinted to read the itsy bitsy print on the beads boxes a  store employee  came to offer me  help" can i help you miss?" she called me miss that was sweet, "yes please,.."  then the inevitable happened ,I realized i had to speak to someone at a store admitting my impairment to seek help. This is never easy no matter how long you've had it or the severity but i felt more confident then usual and explained to her that i needed a certain size bead, the shape and how many. Now this seemed to only  perplex my store helper more. She stood silent for a moment then very meekly asked" I'm sorry ma'am but can i ask what exactly you need these for?" OK,..I then explained the braille art i was making.I was shocked to see her face light up! she asked so many questions, not ignorant at all. I found out that she was a student going to school to work with ,..the visually impaired! Adults more specifically and she very excitedly dragged me around through the store to help me find everything i needed.

("love looks not with the eyes but with the mind" from the Tempest by William Shakespeare)

That was the first positive experience i had had in a store in a long time like that i made me smile the whole way home.Once home i began finishing up the last braille pieces left on the art table.I had taken some quotes from two of my favorite Shakespeare plays and drew them out in braille.After setting my braille beads up i held up my two experiments to see if i liked it,..and i just don't know why but Shakespeare is especially stunning in braille.My fingers ran over every bead, each placement and thought about bringing the art of braille to more sighted people. When your sighted you see braille in the oddest spots and it becomes a joke, but those who see it in my art i hope they realize how much it means to those who need it :)