raising a little girl , an act in individualism.

so I'm going to run off topic today and not about art at all,..its about my Lil darling, my biggest fan ,..Madison.

Raising her as a visually disabled mother and an artist make for some fun   . I'm more open to artist type choices in what she wears and tries, not opposed to earrings or things like that. But i draw a line at her looking older then her age,.. which by the way is 6.I help her with her body image and let her know shes beautiful inside and out everyday.

When my daughter was born unlike most parents i didn't buy all the typical clothes. I found fun unique pretty bohemian flowing tops and dresses, fun colors bows etc. she didn't even have typical stuffed animals, she has soft plushy Kitty's and what not id find in stores on the north side, different types of animals, fell asleep to blues jazz  and symphony music.When she was awake she listened to Yes ,Sheryl crow, comporary music, id sing to her , shed dance and i tried to be as eclectic as possible. I am by no means a typical person. Ive been told that most people after getting to know me say that I'm complex and not at all the way I'm perceived.I wanted Madie to be just as artistically and eclectically complex giving her choices.

When she was 2 we started doing "starfall" computer games, and i for several  years cut her slow growing hair into a cute pixie cut. not at all normal but adorable on her. You see i try to incorporate my daughter own personality , and i want her to be comfortable with who she is. When she was about 3 we walked into a store that had pink hair spray. She asked me if we could make her hair pink that the lazy town girl, i said yes. I get scrutinized for this but seriously my daughter being creative with her temp hair color isn't that bad. sending your 6 year old to school in a bra or a half top is bad, this hurts no one and lets my daughter express her individuality Young, makes her confident and she feels great about it.

A few years later when listening to some rockabilly music videos on YouTube she  saw the pomp style bang hair do, shed seen me do it and she wanted to try it, even wanted to do her bangs pink, i said yes! how creative and adorable! I of course did up her hair for her and shes beamed from ear to ear. for the most part she wears skirts, tights ,knee high hello kitty socks, hello kitty clothes and the occasional sparkly skull t-shirt.I still get a giggle that some moms look at my letting her do that as wrong but i see incorporate clothes ,skin showing and hear my daughter tell me about all her friends wearing bras already,.. shes in first grade *shakes head* i cant wrap my brain around that at all.

So me and Madie had a talk about the bra thing and she said she didn't like it so that was avoided. She had learned to hate the built in shelf bra in her tank tops from target so this was an easy win for mom. As we kept talking we talked about her clothes, her knee high socks and her one pair of skinny jeans. Now these are appreciate they aren't to tight and her stockings are in no way sexy, lol they are totally kids socks bought by her grandma and as far a i ever go clothing wise. She tells me the boys tease her for being too skinny,....what??? she says (mind my daughter is very tiny for her age short and tiny, she looks 5 and shes turning 7 soon) that she  like the stockings because they cover her legs when she wears a skirt because the boys tease her for being too skinny,...

Its kinda sad that when not in school my daughter has this amazing beaming confidence, is artistic, already painting space and constellations, but in school is the shrinking violet. She leaves my  side every morning glowing and excited, and comes home defeated and with a story everyday of crying. Not for what t she wears or her hair,.. no,.. because shes to quiet or too skinny, or the new one they make her cry then tease her for crying too much. Shes stopped trying in school, we usually do her homework then i do about 2 hours more of working with her because she doesn't remember a thing she learned in class, but can tell me everything the kids did or said to her. Today she had a boy run over her hand and another hit her with a umbrella, she said cause its funny,.. and they wonder why after so much my daughter finally fights back,she can only take so much.

What kills me is shes being teased not for individuality, but for being normal, for being how God made her!!!

Its a shame no one there see the amazing unique artistic girl she is. All i can do is keep supporting her, loving her and teaching her shes better then all that.Raising a girl shouldn't be this hard but I'm in it for the long haul , i love my little girl.

inspiration and love comes in the littlest packages

My daughter walks into the front room and taps my shoulder,
"mommy?"
"yes peanut ?"
"I'm so glad your an artist."
she says this and hugs me, big smile on her face as i hear the room grow silent and i hold back a tear.

i promised id go to her parent teacher conference in my hello kitty pj pants, and i kept that promise :)

My daughter is 6 yrs old, and she has a lot more on her plate then some average kids do, she has many many questions about mommy's vision, and art. After i had done my first show, had my mentor passed and then was rejected from the second show i had a new burst of energy and had donated some pieces i made to a charity fundraiser. I was catching speed again finding a groove and thought everything was gong great. Then the best curve ball was thrown to me, doctors were confused, they said i couldn't ever get pregnant but there i was at the doctors office, finding out i was 2 months and expecting.

sometimes bad things can happen to make room for the best things in life, me and my fiance separated, and i began the journey to single blind-ish parenthood. It was terrifying I had all of these second thoughts that id have problems and what do i do if i cant read the expiration dates and,..all you who are parents with  blindness no matter what degree remember the panicked thoughts and sleepless nights I'm sure. Even parents with out disabilities I'm sure have some sort of  pre-parenthood panic.

then the day came when God brought me my little miracle, all 6 lbs plus of little bouncing baby girl.My art sat back for a year while i raised my baby girl, with amazing support of family and friends. The center of my world and all around it, truly my miracle. Soon my fears started to pass and i got back into painting, when i painted she would color.

Soon she got old enough to ask for things and questions, "we have car?" "no baby mommy cant see good enough to drive""why?"
"whats that?""its my cane""why?" soon that question became"mommy why don't you use that more?" and my answer is always" why when i have my wonderful seeing eye daughter?"

As  I started doing more shows i would bring her with, and she would tell people all about me.The first local convention art show we went to she came with and sat in the room in front of where i was starting to hang my paintings. It was my first time showing at this con and she was excited. :hi: she would say when  someone walked pass,"this is MY Mommy's art!". They would always smile and giggle and tell her she was adorable.She got so into my shows even starting at 3 she would ask to make her hair light pink like the girl from lazy town so she felt as artsy as mommy shed say.

A few weeks ago  i finished three paintings, "beauty in the haze" its a series of ballet dancers done on canvas board painted in a blurry black and white."mommy do i touch these so i can see them like blind people do with my hands?"
"no sweetie, stand back over here now look at them, make your eyes all squinty til they are fuzzy."
"OK,.. wow those look cool!"
I laughed," glad you think its cool that's how it looks if mommy was to go and watch a ballet."
"oh,.mommy i love your art!"




My biggest fan modeling in front of her favorite piece


Through every thing i went through and continue to my daughter has become so accepting and understanding to someone with a disability no matter what it is , its not a big deal to her, she See's them as normal just like mommy.She knows i cant see allot but is so supportive and encouraging.She is by far the strongest woman i know.She goes to all my shows, and if you ever go to one i can guarantee that ll you ll hear my little girl explaining my pieces to passers by or bragging about how proud she is of me. she watches me paint,comes in the morning to see what Ive done and even tells me i need to sleep more.

At the opening  of "altered Perception "she was there, showing her friend another little girl at the show how to "see" with her hands to read her mommy's bio in braille



Our friend on the left and daughter on the right


This morning she tells me" mommy i want you to cast my face so blind people and people  like you can see me too. I promise i won't be scared""  I'm sorry sweetie but maybe when your older but you can watch me when i have more sittings. i replied. "yay!" she says as she excitedly dances out of the room.

I am the luckiest woman alive to have such a miracle and such a big little fan. I don't know where I'd be without her :)