the symptoms of being blind,..ish (ode to a bee)

I think sometimes we have symptoms of our visual issues. A secondary affect on our bodies and minds  from our blindish lifestyles.

Ive had some time off of blogging due to health issues. i like many Americans Ive found out i have high bad cholesterol. It was a huge shock to me since I'm fairly young and didn't think i had eaten that poorly, and 2 that i have a severe  dust allergy. I found all these  out while seeking a doctor for my migraines,.. lol a bit more news then i had anticipated.

With many visually impaired people there are migraines. those horrid reminders of a day full of squinting and straining. We can get tension headaches from this, eye strain, "eye" migraines causing auras and temporary lose of vision, and then just utterly horrid migraines. It started to make me think how much  vision loss effects  our whole body's. In going to the doctors they told me what they think the cause of my extremely bad ones are " i think you've pinched  a nerve in your neck from straining to see." I have a blind re-lated injury? It appears so, from years of cranking and improper sizes and what not Ive actually injured my neck causing migraines. Ive suddenly become so aware of my neck and how i hold it, many of you maybe be sitting up straighter right now.

I started to think about all the bruises Ive had, oh yeah and some doosies! no matter how much i know there is  a table there, its going to catch me in the shin when i least expect it to, or a corner i thought wasn't close reaches out and bites my elbow, mean corners.Don't even get me started on the random toy of my daughters that find its way under my heel since i cant see a barbie boot, or a mini  my little pony on the floor!

But i don't think it ends there, it really seems down to the smallest injury we tend to be a bit rough on our poor bodies, even mentally.Many people I've met with visual disabilities seem to also have (whether its hidden or not) anxiety, panic attacks, or some form of depression. It really takes a toll on us even the strongest who appear completely adjusted have gone through some sort of emotional issue. the years of ridicule, or lack of acceptance, for me i have trouble in n places I've never been. i can get around with confidence but if i don't know how to get home since i cant see streets signs, or lose a companion who's with me i have had panic attacks. In all the support organizations I've found why is it no one talks about that? I bet you more people would find it easier if they knew they too were not alone.

Food related traumas,.. Ive eaten more bad food, drank bad things, and mistakenly bought bad fruit. The other night has to be one of my favorites of these,..

With my new no sugar, no fat, no cholesterol diet i found a loop hole for dessert; berries in fat free whippy creme! I thought about it all day and couldn't wait for that bowl.Turned the t.v. on to "bizarre foods" (great show) and went to get my dessert. As per serving suggestions i placed 2 servings of whippy creme on one side of the bowl, then emptied the small container of raspberries on the other side. Such placement was done because well you have to be able to perfectly ration the whippy creme with each raspberry,.. well OK,.. maybe that's just me :). Mind you it was night time and dark in the house. I keep the lights off most of the time due to my light sensitivity and with the migraines Ive been extra sensitive lately. I moved through the dark and found the couch waiting and was immediately pounced by my loyal seeing eye dachshund. As i watched my show and laughed i carefully ate my yummy berries n creme, slowly savoring. after about half was gone i noticed something sort of odd, something was in the bowl, ,hmm, probably just half of a raspberry i thought. i placed it upon my spoon, dipped it in for some creme then stopped. It didn't seem right but i couldn't really see. I pulled it closer and there on my spoon covered in that whippy creme i dreamed of all day,... was a dead bee! I almost ate that! In my head all i thought was " dang it blindish girl you almost did it again!" Not knowing what to do i went and placed it back on the mound of creme in the bowl and put it on the kitchen counter and waited for Shane to come home. When he got home and i showed him the poor little be we both laughed, relieved i had not eaten it not knowing what could've happened. He called the store and got the manager  who replied " wait ,.. a bee bee? like a buzzing one? it wasn't that warm outside!" they suggested we bring it back in in the container. Not wanting to send him back covered in creme, i placed him in the container and rinsed him off.after he was clean i dropped him back in the raspberry container where he had died not willing to give up that delicious raspberry.

If i had better vision i would've seen that bee, or not picked up that weird thing on the balcony that turned out to be a dead June bug last summer. Even with all our bodies and minds are put through remember the funny things and it really gets easier.Find and reach out to others who seem to be going through what you are and talk about it. Most importantly, don't forget to take care of you. Those with physical losses are some of the most selfless and caring people, but they don't take care of themselves enough. you are just as important, I'm learning this the hard way. And don't forget to laugh  no matter what :)

Just remember the bee in the raspberries .

To my own eyes stay true

This past 30 days of art and creativity has been more than i could imagine. I think perhaps in this short time Ive learned to accept and push myself more then ever before.

After starting this blog i realized it was good for the soul,  i mean it felt  good to type out how i felt felt through this journey and learn about others along the way who are own their own path living with and accepting there vision loss.After writing "you  say blind like its a bad thing,..yes maybe i do" I met Belinda. After corresponding back forth on our respective blogging pages and talking about embracing what you see and really putting it out there in whatever art you do, i starred at these ballerina sketches i had. They sat for almost a year in my studio. When i had decided to post pics of the sketches people really liked them but i didn't know what to do.I had started painting the black and white shadow series "double negative" in 2005 and i didn't want them to be the same.That night after reading her blog  "blindish" and commenting on each other, i turned and its as if they were waiting for that moment. I  took  out nothing but the black paint, and thought about how it is to watch a ballet from the audience,.. i see no color, it really is a have of beautiful movement and darkness.And here i went losing myself in this moment not trying to do anything but show the beauty in the haze.
This is what i learned from that,..


Beauty in the haze




Rehearsal




Center Stage




Opening Night


It felt so amazing to paint these and then have so many people find the way in which i saw the dancers to  be lovely , embracing my impairment even more helped me to feel even more comfortable on the canvas.

The show opening went amazing, and through the show i was asked by a friend to submit to a show gong on this weekend, I knew i needed to push myself from my comfort zone once again and said yes. I had some sketches i had done, more fantasy inspired of Faeries  Mermaids, centaurs,  since i knew some many including my daughters that loved them. After the opening one of the big hits was the belly dancer painting with the purple aura. I have tried to stay away from color. I  have lost much of my color vision and what i have is so muted from my light sensitivity, things look washed out.Between that and  me thinking no one would want bright colors and choose not to purchase based on their own color opinions i just stopped altogether. The last pieces i made were the s"study in humanity" pieces and i hated the way i tried to paint them.Even with that being said i decided to push myself anyway. I pulled out the sketch book and the canavas' that had sat and to my surprise i just  kept going! once i started i couldn't stop, no sleep not even much coffee needed. Hands growing encrusted in layers of paint as i kept moving,.. til i have 6 paintings done.Reluctantly i started posting them on my facebook, hoping that i did ok trying to keep my style but bring some color and fantasy.

Shockingly enough people loved the color, i didn't understand i thought it would be horrible but even my mother said,."even if you have to paint it brighter to see it the color is good".

My experimental fantasy series


Morning Dew




Meadow




Meadow,Midnight,Morning Dew, and Sunrise




Blush




Pearl

Hopefully they will do well in this weekends show, but even if they don't i know that Ive learned so much through my art and i remember to stay true  to what i can see, and continue to show the beauty in it, to my own eyes i will stay true.
My art is viewable this weekend at Capricon 2011 at the Westin Chicago North Shore and thru February at the Black Box Diamond in Hoffman Estates