It's A Curve Ball,.. A large Curve Ball,..

I went to the doctor, they said the last visit i had was in 2002. Apparently my new doctor here ( a retinal specialist specializing in research for retinal diseases ) had been in contact with my doctor in Illinois to give me a firm final diagnosis.  After testing and another call to the other doctor they figured out the cases,..'s.

I've done a lot of looking back in the short time since Friday morning. I remember telling them about how hard it was to see at night, how my peripheral was bothering me too, and how it seemed i had lost more central vision even after my Stargardts should have halted.  They said it could be cone rod, no one gave me a firm diagnosis but they knew i had Stargardts become of the yellow spot presentation as well as other tests.I was told to wear my dark plum glasses 24-7 just in case, seemed they weren't sure.

My mentor Judy had a combination, the first i had ever heard. She had Stargardt's and cone rod dystrophy. Until that point i didn't know you could have both, not to mention two different eye diseases.Even with those both and her losing much sight she made the most beautiful paintings.


I think learning I have both retinal pigmentosa and Stargardt's took me by surprise only because i had become comfortable with how i was and how I saw the world. I thought it wouldn't change, that i was where i would stay. n other ways i felt relieved to have answers to what i knew was going on with my eyes.


I did hope i could find others who maybe had combinations or even the same combination. So far nothing but one person in a support group arguing the impossibilities of my condition. I have learned nothing is impossible.


So as I write here in this blog and go on my journey here, I have been thrown a curve ball, but im not out of the game. I feel inside me its even mroe important to continue painting and my artwork. I may not have some common visual impairment , but my art has never been common either.  I hope i find others like me that i can talk to I think I would feel less alone in that respect. I am lucky, blessed even for my family and friends. They are so supportive through everything and I am glad they are there to listen. I can not control how my remaining sight will go in the future but i can control my path and I will keep painting and writing no matter what.


I don't need a cure i have family.

things have gotten brighter

gorgeous view from where we are 

when they say the sun is brighter here, they aren't joking :) My family and I have been here for about 12 days now and it is such a beautiful state. i haven't really found a place to set up my art studio yet but have had many ideas and inspirations here.

i think hummingbirds are my new favorite bird, and my have to be painted

one of my favorite things here has been sitting outside and eating fresh grapefruit while i watch the hummingbirds come to the feeder. im not sure what they look like but i can see the silloquettes of their tiny little bodies and furiously flapping wings. One that comes in the morning always makes me giggle, they are so loud when they drink an they make the most adorable noises when they do. 

I have had so much fun picking grapefruits from the tree. its hard to see them thru the green and looking up at the sky but i love it. I have to be a bit more careful however i already have a good bump on my head from a lil depth perception incident .:)

its a jopshua tree but i call it a fuzzy tree :)

It takes some getting used to with the change of scenery but its a good change. I love the trees and the view out here. I even got to go to a place called Slide Rock and go sliding down through freezing cold water on the red rocks.


Next step is to find all my new resources, doctor, new sunglasses,  and more.I do have a feeling that my art will change a bit but for the better.

best regards from sunny Arizona :)

facing myself in a new way

amidst the move and work on my new gallery series i was contacted by a student/artist in England doing his thesis . He wanted to take on a sculpture project showcasing blind artists and photographers. while stumbling upon me and my art he messaged me and asked how id feel to allow him to use my face and image of for his art project. After talking back and forth a bit and getting more information as well as insight into his project i was really touched by the fact this sighted artist and student would want to help get the message of visually impaired visual artists out to the world in his own unique way. 


After really thinking ( I'm not the biggest fan of pictures of my self, id rather hid behind the canvas :) ) i submitted to him my black and white head shot with a description of why i took this photo.

i had taken this picture because i wanted it to represent how i create my art. the pose is me as i do quite often starring at photography. Either that Ive taken  or even photos of my sketchbook online, or watching dance videos. I try watching things and find the most beautiful thing in it that i feel i can portray through my blindish-ness. I wanted a photo of me with out make-up, not even hair done. This is just as i am wen i create my art. It is a photo of me plain and as honest as the work i try to put on the canvas.

he loved the photo and created a 3d sculpture of it. here is his sculpture,

i thought it was so amazing to see the contour and depth i cant normally and what an interesting concept. 


after a few days he wrote back he wanted more information on  how i see my face or how i think i look. well, umm , this isn't the easiest thing for me to answer. in fact I'm not sure anyone has ever asked me that very question. i tried to answer ti a few times, but got very emotional each time. i understand that i don't see my self or face the way others do, and I'm quite hard on myself as well. after a few days  i responded,..

AS I SIT AND LOOK AT MY FACE I SEE MYSELF LIKE NO OTHER PERSON CAN. IN
THE CENTER OF MY VISION I LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD AND I SEE THE DANCE AND
PLAY OF FLASHING TWINKLING LIGHTS. THE AREAS AROUND IT BLUR AND I SEE
THE PALE SKIN AROUND AND MY BRIGHT RED HAIR FRAMING IT. AS I GET
CLOSER I SEE MY LARGE ROUND EYES BUT CANT TELL MUCH WHAT COLOR MY EYES
ARE. I AM TOLD THEY ARE BROWN WITH GREEN, I THINK THAT SOUNDS VERY
PRETTY. THE REST OF MY FACE BLENDS TOGETHER SO MUCH I SEE LITTLE
CONTOUR. MY LACK OF DEPTH PERCEPTION MAKES IT HARD TO SEE SO I SEE
WITH MY FINGERTIPS. WITH MY FINGERS I KNOW MY CHEEKS ARE HIGH  AND MY
NOSE PROMINENT, I FEEL HOW DEEP SET MY EYES ARE AND HOW TALL MY
FOREHEAD.ON MY NOSE I FEEL THE STUD FROM MY LITTLE DIAMOND. IN THE
LIGHT OF SOME ROOMS I LOSE MY OWN FACE, SHADOWS CONSUME AND LIGHT
WARPS IT. ONLY THROUGH LARGE PHOTOS AND WHAT I HEAR CAN I LOOK TO SEE
WHAT IS PAST MY BLURS AND TWINKLES. BUT EVEN IF I CANT SEE DETAILS OF
TONES, I KNOW THAT I STILL SEE A MOTHER, AND ARTIST, A WIFE AND A
FRIEND.

its strange  for as many times as I've answered people on how i see the world, it took one person to make me think about how i see myself, and my face. i finally understand more why so many artists have done self portraits, maybe it was so THEY could get more insight into how they looked to the world. 

Its amazing how art teaches us so much.

the ballerina and i

 The Ballerina and I (prologue to the painting "L'ombre ballerinas" )



As i sit and watch  the lights wash out the room to mute it to a crisp golden haze. Everything looks absolutely  wonderful.  Those lights now dim and everything goes into a light golden grey fog .

Somewhere in the center of the stage a blue maybe grey light appears where i guess the black stage isto be, but then the dancer appears.  Emerging on it appearing as if she is floating on nothing at all, almost angelic.

The colors of the stage lights dance around the lone figure .They run together playfully like the dancer does . i catch some rare glances of red, perhaps blue and green?The lights are so bright its hard to tell they wash out the ballerina at times but it doesn't take away from the dance.

She is moving so gracefully,i wish i knew how her arms were making those movements it all seems so fluid and quick as she glides around the stage. All at once from no were it seems she leaps through the muted color fog and back onto her invisible floor.

 Everyone around me is sitting perfectly still so engaged watching this delicate  black shadow dancer. I flip to the Program i have in the dark and go to the pictures of the cast,...
ah yes in order of appearance. I get out a magnifier and look at her picture now i can see her her as she dances!

At times I struggle to follow her as she moves so i just fix my eyes and just watch the movement out of my peripheral. sometimes i just listen to the music.The experience of her performance is just as touching.

I look up to follow the dance and the music is faster and she is now twirling at a  hurried pace. colors flash! my eyes flash to, as my eyes take a moment to acclimate and readjust i hear the crowd start to clap. And i do too. What an Amazing performance!

Soon she begins dancing again and more lights come up. A 6 more ballerinas appear from the side of the stage already leaping and dancing,,...

in the beginning,..

protector of the eisel!

lil sock buddys ready to get going!

oh yes amazon your deliveries make me smile!

big wall for a big painting

my silly attempt at taping lol at least i tried

Getting everything together, things falling into place I've loved everything from  to  washing the wall, to  reorganizing the room ,to starting vellum sketches, to waiting for ups. i thought id share some photos this blog that made me smile 

 

 

 

i think this is perfect , i though about how when i have to get close to this canvas i cant hunch over it i can just stand close . i looked into some of the magnifiers on the ls&s site I've always wanted and not bought yet.  they were things i had always needed but i always had this bad habit of  if i needed it id make an excuse that someone else needed some thing more. and yes i put visual aid at the bottom as horrible as it sounds. well I'm not doing that anymore my wonderful husband is putting a stop to that so I'm going to make sure i have proper  aids for this project.

on an added note I'm hoping to  tell the story of me and my journey to me and my guide dog as i have started the ball rolling with the paperwork for the guide dog process. there is a lot involved and much going on so time will see when that will happen but what a huge step for me :)

the exquisitly LARGE touch of braille?

so as i sit in my "home" studio and work on my sketching process i am working on the new process or putting braille onto the new piece. i have done the smaller braille pieces and i really enjoyed how much even the sighted viewers were touche by them.  so now i feel it is important to incorporate it into this canvas so the words i feel are important or descriptions or felt throughout the scene

when you see other modern art those artist have words written everywhere, why cant i have braille in mine? its serving for me many additional purposes for more then just visual but also to communicate to those who cant see the whole of the piece.

the process of doing this i have many ideas, and there is already trial and error in thought but  I'm determined to do it and make this even more accessible.

I've had a co-worker who found out about my work ask for a picture but its a little to early just yet. I'm still sketching and applying layers in process. At the moment i have laid out my work space on my wall where the canvas will be with the drafting tape and have the vellum paper and sketches, not all but some. i have the idea for this first piece but not revealing till I'm far enough along here for the first video blog and or photos. I'll be inviting photographers in to follow the process this time.  ill be using models again and documenting there sessions as well. I will also be inviting those who are visually impaired locally to come and experience the art closer to the end of the process to get their  response and reaction  to the piece.

i couldn't be happier with this whole series of reinventing shadows i feel its a wonderful freeing experience not just for me but hopefully for all who come to see it and watch as i create it.

thank you to everyone who is following this is means so much!

Beginning "Re-inventing Shadows"

It's been about the last 4 months of a process and starring at the walls of my work to figure out what I need to do, where to go. I've known for about the past 2 years, maybe honestly more, that the straight black and white was the beginning of what i wanted to express and show but was a stepping stone.

And what was great was the moment when I knew I couldn't do just that again.

I had to push my self past it and figure out what was next what I wanted when someone came to a show. It's not about selling a million pieces, its about your interaction, your feeling. You, and I mean those of you blind, visually impaired and sighted, being able to have common ground on one singular canvas feeling and seeing my piece from my view and yours, being about to touch and experience it.  And I knew it needed to be me going back to recycling and mulch-media. I have to be able to capture  several textural elements. Lastly, I knew I had to go to the place I told my friends I always knew I had to because of my lack of sight... Bigger.

I think being able to combine some of the elements together and create this impact I'm looking for and this experience for those with low vision excites me the most. My take will be different then the norm and I'm going to enjoy taking my time to create it.

I don't like to be seen, I like my work to be seen and felt, and I think I want to be more vulnerable and push myself. When I post pics for my Facebook or head shots they are of no make-up, my hair is not done, and its usually in black in white like my work. My photos are me honest and plain. I started this blog to write my memories, my experiences, and to connect and put my self out there for people to understand the work more. With that said I think the next step with the new work I will be doing some 5-10 minute video blogs of me talking about the work, and working, painting, building, and creating. nothing staged just be and the art. I'm not trying to copying anything but my own view of the world, the way god has blessed me with with Stargardts. And I say blessed me because I feel that the art I create with my eye disease may not be as detailed as a fully sighted person, but its a experience and I think it's still beautiful in its own way.

God didn't take away vision, but perhaps gave me a new perspective. I just want to share it with the world.