the exquisitly LARGE touch of braille?

so as i sit in my "home" studio and work on my sketching process i am working on the new process or putting braille onto the new piece. i have done the smaller braille pieces and i really enjoyed how much even the sighted viewers were touche by them.  so now i feel it is important to incorporate it into this canvas so the words i feel are important or descriptions or felt throughout the scene

when you see other modern art those artist have words written everywhere, why cant i have braille in mine? its serving for me many additional purposes for more then just visual but also to communicate to those who cant see the whole of the piece.

the process of doing this i have many ideas, and there is already trial and error in thought but  I'm determined to do it and make this even more accessible.

I've had a co-worker who found out about my work ask for a picture but its a little to early just yet. I'm still sketching and applying layers in process. At the moment i have laid out my work space on my wall where the canvas will be with the drafting tape and have the vellum paper and sketches, not all but some. i have the idea for this first piece but not revealing till I'm far enough along here for the first video blog and or photos. I'll be inviting photographers in to follow the process this time.  ill be using models again and documenting there sessions as well. I will also be inviting those who are visually impaired locally to come and experience the art closer to the end of the process to get their  response and reaction  to the piece.

i couldn't be happier with this whole series of reinventing shadows i feel its a wonderful freeing experience not just for me but hopefully for all who come to see it and watch as i create it.

thank you to everyone who is following this is means so much!

Beginning "Re-inventing Shadows"

It's been about the last 4 months of a process and starring at the walls of my work to figure out what I need to do, where to go. I've known for about the past 2 years, maybe honestly more, that the straight black and white was the beginning of what i wanted to express and show but was a stepping stone.

And what was great was the moment when I knew I couldn't do just that again.

I had to push my self past it and figure out what was next what I wanted when someone came to a show. It's not about selling a million pieces, its about your interaction, your feeling. You, and I mean those of you blind, visually impaired and sighted, being able to have common ground on one singular canvas feeling and seeing my piece from my view and yours, being about to touch and experience it.  And I knew it needed to be me going back to recycling and mulch-media. I have to be able to capture  several textural elements. Lastly, I knew I had to go to the place I told my friends I always knew I had to because of my lack of sight... Bigger.

I think being able to combine some of the elements together and create this impact I'm looking for and this experience for those with low vision excites me the most. My take will be different then the norm and I'm going to enjoy taking my time to create it.

I don't like to be seen, I like my work to be seen and felt, and I think I want to be more vulnerable and push myself. When I post pics for my Facebook or head shots they are of no make-up, my hair is not done, and its usually in black in white like my work. My photos are me honest and plain. I started this blog to write my memories, my experiences, and to connect and put my self out there for people to understand the work more. With that said I think the next step with the new work I will be doing some 5-10 minute video blogs of me talking about the work, and working, painting, building, and creating. nothing staged just be and the art. I'm not trying to copying anything but my own view of the world, the way god has blessed me with with Stargardts. And I say blessed me because I feel that the art I create with my eye disease may not be as detailed as a fully sighted person, but its a experience and I think it's still beautiful in its own way.

God didn't take away vision, but perhaps gave me a new perspective. I just want to share it with the world.

isolation

i think being as i am and a artist i have always surrounded my self with people and friends. im quite social and i love being that friend that says something silly and outrageous to make you laugh when your having a bad day. I've kept myself around people  that understand me to always  help me read things, or to know how i try to be overly independent with my low vision.  but on the other side of that coin ive realized that when it comes to creating i need utter and complete isolation, and i find it comforting.

unless im on my final state of a piece or working on a casting i find i get very self conscoius. Even in front of my own husband as if im in this very volunerable state  and i fear any comments til im done. Maybe its because my whole process is diffrent, i start in as much detail as i can ever possibly see then i begin the process of taking over my image in shadow. it never looks the way it started. and sure i could show the detailed  sketches i make but it is only me  faking the shadng that i cant see, and for me it wouldnt be real.

ive looked at me pieces over these past 6 months or so and said several times, i need more from this. Every artist get to some point when they dont want to stop  but begin to feel stale at the same time. So here i am workign on creating my own isolated space in this chaotic  apartment to go back to my basics and begin putting together all the tools and ingrediants i need for the new faze of my work. It feels amazing to finally look at it and have an answer to were i wanted it to go.

There is something wonderful about sitting in a quiet house alone and sketching and working on ideas and getting them worng,

every time this happens i get closer to where it needs to be. here i need to bring my ideas and works together to create one unified idea and set of works  and the beginning of the process is overwhelming and wonderful.

Aphrodite sketch

sometimes the wrong path leads you back to where you belong

when life happens sometimes its what we really need

going through the wedding, then the honeymoon, then back to work. i had picked up a job to help with the extra wedding expenses but then i realized something,.. not only was i working , sleeping and that was it, but that my art was taking the proverbial back burner.  i had done so much to get to the point i felt i was achieving some goals and really becoming more accepting of my own art/blindness then i let working take over.

it was slow at first and ideas were still flowing but then the ideas started to pile up behind the block of limited time.

then i was sketching made only a few paintings and lost track  of my gallery shows.

it was then i realized i was falling into the rut  and would be like so many who gave up their dream to just endlessly work soulless hours and never look back.

i truly feel perfect sight or not, whatever your dream is if you let the stress of that life get a hold of you you truly loss who you really are and you have to work even harder to get it back.

so on my honeymoon i talked to a gallery/ center for children with visual impairments and blindness. as i walked through the small touchable gallery with my husband and looked at the tiny little white canes hanging in front of the preschool room doors i realized i couldn't stop. i talked with them about bringing some work in to the kids and felt that amazing feeling again. its not about being a millionaire or the worlds most famous artist. its really about giving hope to children growing up with my issue of blindness, its about sharing what i do with sighted people and how i see through my art.

its not really about me at all :)

the life of the secret ninja painter

the last few months have been so crazy, many things in my life have changed,.

i got married :)

ahhhh the stress of wedding planning is over and the happily ever after has begun! and its only been about 3 weeks but its great!

i also have a whole new family that im a part of ! and i couldnt be more bkessed and shane, madieand I will be going on our,.. follow tis,.. honeymoon/family vacation to Disneyland! and meeting with them and its going to be a blast im sure.

well in all this craziness i haven't done but one art piece in the last i don't know maybe 6 months.  My schedule with working had gotten so busy i did the charity piece nd that was it.

while working the other day i said something and someone asked me " but i need someone with artist side to help me whit something. "
i looked at her and said" im artistic".
"really"
"yeah, you didnt know i painted? ."i dont tell lot of people i work with i realize, i dont want to be the type of person who appears t brag about tings but i had know them for sometime so i thought she had just known, plus she knew a previous manager of mine.
"no, .. like just sketches,.. like in college or something??" she reallly didnt know. so there i was trying to find pictures, that i dont carry on my phone of my ar because i realize how much i dont tell people about it and i dont disclose it.

at work im the ninja artist

i really only tell people i get close too. I'm not sure if its because i don't know if they'll understand the way i paint from the visually impaired aspect, the light sensitivity. if i don't want to answer "those " questions. or if I'm not confident showing my art to people at a job. I'm not sure be nevertheless I realized how much i may be personable at work I am more private then I realize.

i don't think i could ever be one of those people to tell everyone, most of the time when you tell people you do things like that they think your bragging, and h'm defiantly not that type of person, so choosing to just keep it low key is better right?  and then of course i don't need the other questions about my eyes and other not so awesome banter that would ensue. i don't mind answering questions but at work it seems to cross the line at times, so till i decide to tackle all that

i will remain a ninja

how i becaome a high school legand, the story of Antus

I had few teachers in high school that i will never forget.

Some good and some bad, some just beyond comprehension. This is a story of one of those crazy teachers,..
Mr Robert Antus :)

He kinda looks like he could be author Dean Koontz's brother right?
Mr Antus was a legend, and the English teacher you wanted to have. You were not allowed to smile unless the story he told was happy, or laugh unless the story was funny. He was strict and passionate, some would say plain crazy .He was so into literature and stories he literally threw himself into telling  them.

My favorite story is still his one about going off to summer camp and the swimming test. As he began the story of the boy he immediately raised his voice and faced the chalk board, then violently started to back stroke across the room! He did this with vigor and intensity and all the students like Moses parting the red sea evacuated there desks as he came barreling through the middle ! He ran right into the back wall and jerked for a second.Antus  kept telling his tale as he turned around and back stroked back to the front of the room. That was his style throwing loudly voice and body into every literary masterpiece.

That year I actually had my counselor switch my English classes so i could have him. Even though i had been diagnosed and she recommended i go to a teacher who would be better at helping me with my "situation".So against her better judgement i switched and undertook the adventure of being one of his students.Our first book if memory is correct was "To kill a mockingbird".  This is forever one of my favorite books, and the office enlarged a copy for me nice and big so i blazed through it as quickly as my eyes would allow.Of course to keep everyone one on the right path and because he was one of those teachers, a pop quiz was to be had at the end of each chapter cluster you were supposed to read.

The day came for the quiz, i stayed up late eyes burning but finished my assigned reading and was ready.I was actually looking forward to showing that i enjoyed the story. I should add I'm not just an Art geek but a Literature one as well. He started class in his usual quiet stern fashion , ordered silence and then passed out the quizzes,..

umm,..
there's a problem here,..

I froze, i thought my vision itinerant gave him the papers on what i needed,... this is ,,..

ditto paper????

Who used that anymore?? The paper was this blur of purple smudges and spots, this was in no way at all legible not to mention not in large print.  This could only get worse if he says,.." OK you have 10 minutes" . OK it just got worse! Wait ,..what? i get time and a half and with this mess I'm gong to need an interpreter,  a magnifying glass, a decoder , and alot of prayer to figure it out!!

I sat in silence , frozen, i was not a child or teenager to buck authority,..but i didn't know what to do.After i sat not moving for about what seemed like forever he approached my desk.
 "You didn't do the reading did you?" he said looking angry.
" i did,." i was quiet, meek, i didn't really know what to say.
" Then take your test ,.."he said walking away.
I muttered" but i cant".
He stopped with his back turned then walked back to my desk,.. omg what have i done, i don't want  the wraith of antus! At this point the entire class has now stopped and is watching my defiance,...
"what did you say?"
now i know my eyes are bad and these things seem to only happen in cartoons, but ,i promise I'm sure i saw actual steam rising from his beet red head.
I know at this point I have become a blubbering idiot. This was the third interaction i had had with a teacher since diagnosis and none good .I had not stood up to any of them, i just sat there and took it. The amount of embarrassment and anger was now starting to well up in me.
I remained crying and non-responsive.
" Rachel that is enough ! You didn't  do the reading and now your interrupting my class! Office now!!!" he bellowed so loud the hair moved off of my face.
I turned my head and uttered quietly and firmly
" no."
 Not sure how this was possible but the room became even more silent, i think other classrooms were listening at this point. It was so quiet i heard my own heartbeat louder then my breathing.
Antus stopped shocked, crossed his arms and walked to his desk. He stood there, then paced for a moment. Then confused but angry made his way back to my desk,
" i will not tolerate your defiaance , you will go to the office now."
"no."
He now looking more confused and amazed at me walked again to his desk. This was a bad thing, now with all eyes on me, and the history of years of being teased for my squinting and blindness, and now for being disabled i was  hitting the point of no return.
The next part happened with some assemblance of courage and stupidity that still shocks me to this day,..
as he came back , arms flayling to yell once one, i stood up, tears streaming to let him have it,..
this is about what i can remember,.. and i said alot,..through lots of sobbing,..
"I am legally blind and I'm losing my vision and its not my fault YOU didn't do YOUR reading my vision itenirent gave you papers about me at the beginning of class and i cant read that! i cant read ditto paper i can only read white on black the best and its supposed to be enlarged and its supposed to be time and a half if i need and I'm not going to the office and I'm not gong to be yelled at!"

I sat down and heard the loud "thud" echo,... i hadn't even told most of my friends about my diagnosis at this point. i had been afraid to,.. now i just screamed it at my teacher through the entire school,...

He stood for a moment with eyes as big as saucers starring at me.  He then put his hand to his head rubbed it and then left the classroom.
Omg ,.. that's it,.. i just got suspended! Everyone waited a minute til they knew he was gone and the flood of  "omg i cant believe you did that!" cheers went up from my classmates. I'd like to say that it felt good ,but with my heart still in my throat not so much. I was still sobbing and trying to makes sense of it all and what i had said.

About another 15minutes later the door opened. I had tried to regain my composure so that i could beg for forgiveness from the dean Mrs Musil.To my shock he came in alone, quiet and with a paper in his hand,..he walked over , took my original test, and replaced the papers on my desk.
" is this OK?" he said in a very low tone.
He had gone and gotten me an enlarged white on black test made!
" yes thank you" i said shocked and meek, i started to cry a little again.
I think it was a combination of relief, shock, and awe.
I finished my test handed it to him.  He told us he'd grade it for next time.
We sat quiet til the bell rang.

We did not speak again about it while i was in his class that whole rest of the year .I had no suspension, no call home, nothing,I was very lucky.

Skip ahead to my senior year of high school. I had come along way out of my shell. I had a co-lead in the musical and wanted to invite all my old teachers. Being that his passion for literature affected me so much I made my way to Mr Antus' last period to invite him. With a fellow friend and cast mate in tow we knocked on his door.
He was at his desk and turned and saw me at the door and smiled.He motioned for us to come in.I walked to his desk and leaned down since his class was sitting and working on something.
" i just wanted to invite you to see the musical Cabaret, i play Frau Schultz and id love you to see it".
 I handed him the flyer.
He smiled ,"absolutely" he said with a big smile.
" can you come here a moment?"
I smiled and nodded my head.He took my arm and walked me to the front of the classroom.

" do you all remember the story i told you about the little girl i had who was the only student to ever stand up to me and live? This is Rachel!"

 He smiled and i smiled!The class laughed and clapped, I couldn't believe it!! Somehow my bravery made it into one of his epic stories! I gave him a hug and smiled, "Thank you!" That thank meant more then thank you for making me a story. AT that moment i learned to speak up for my self for the first time, to not be bullied , to not  be afraid. It also meant someone understood and accepted me.

I might have became one of his legendary stories but Mr antus will always star in many of mine, thank you for your passion and everything you taught me and all who had you, we  are truly grateful for the experience.

You will forever be missed and remembered.

the "art" of the blind-ish chef,.more tales of the utterly squinty

i was inspired by my dear FB friends from "Cooking with out looking" to look into how i cook,..

for those who don't know me i adore cooking! funny since i got off to a rough start as a kid.

one cold winter day back when i was about 4 years  old, i was pretty thirsty," mom can  have some hot cocoa?". My mom running around yelled  back " just get some milk , cup and start boiling the milk on the stove." I must explain i was quite the literal child, so i did what i heard. I grabbed a frosty grey coffee cup, filed it with milk then placed it directly on the gas burner and turned it on.I watched it intently as i started to boil so proud of myself for cooking something! As the bubbles got wilder i yelled to my mom" its boiling its boiling!!".
She entered the kitchen, slowly , confused,..looking for the pot.I could see on her face the horror as she realized what i had done. She quickly turned off the burner of boiling milk , grabbed a oven mitt pulled the cup off then,..
BOOM!!!!!!!
YEAH,... SO,..UM,..WHEN A COLD CUP OF MILK GOES DIRECTLY ON A BURNER AND BOILS SEE IT TENDS TO MAKE THE CUP EXPLODE WHEN REMOVED.
(do not try this at home without adult supervision, direct written consent of mythbusters, a cop riot shield and a camera,..)

i wasn't allowed to cook for many years,..or cut with a real knife,...

But growing up despite this fact my father and my grandma fisher when she was alive would teach me how to cook. Both had great techniques that i actually think made it easier to learn how to cook with my impairment.

My grandma Fisher was a wonderful cook, she pretty much cook the majority of her waking time, that and watching tennis , She was a Russian Jewish woman, her cooking reflected this style completely. She measured absolutely  nothing there were measuring cups  but she didn't really measure what a normal cook would use them for. She also cooked in large quantities programmed for ultimate leftovers. The meal always had sides, a main meal, mogan david wine, desert and pre and post meal snacks. She used her hands to feel the food, tasted everything instead of just going by numbers and used her sense of smell to know when it was done verses watching the clock. All three of those things really effected me and if i hadn't of learned from her I'm sure id burn allot of food!

My father,  the artist of the most unhealthy concoctions ever imagined. Much like his mother, my grandmother, he doesn't measure he tastes, but he used such extreme combinations experimenting with food. He would even name them hilarious names, one was BUFCA. it was the name of a school friend of my brothers back in the day that he thought sounded like the best made up swear word ever. One day when experimenting with a crazy taco type meal he went crazy trying new cheeses, sauces, seasonings and when it was done it looked awful! but tasted amazing!!! this craziness led to him naming his dish, bufca.i think his silliness but experimental joy and love for cooking really taught me allot.

I still have nights when at 2 am i experiment and make something that Shane says is delicious.  He giggles about my late night cooking and how i move through the kitchen not using measuring cups. trying new things. On several occasions he'll say " but I've never really liked that",..then i make it and he says" this is ACTUALLY good". lol this has been my new cooking goal to open his "food mind."

maybe its that old European cook in me, my dads creativity and my need to make people smile, but cooking is so much fun even if you cant see what your doing,...you don't have to!