positivly positive

A friend asked me a question,.


How can you stay so positive?


my initial response,


because I have to.

I think I have learned to cope in the best way possible.I am not saying I don't get sad or depressed here and there but its important to accept that it will get  you down, its how you pick yourself up and carry through that counts. 

Grandma said the best thing today and i think this is how to best describe me and faith" I dont wear my religion on my sleeve i keep it in my heart." I found my faith and spirituality and its part of how i manage to be so strong when its so hard. I truelly believe that it is Gods will and I need to trust in him. I feel how ever hard it gets that  I will be carried through the roughest of times. Most importantly I believe that I have had this obsticle because  I can help people through my art and my experience.Helping others selflessly makes it worth it. someone said once "Be who God meant you to be and you'll set the world on fire", and I do believe that.

Now not everyone has strong faith or even has concrete beliefs and that's fine. Family is the second thing that makes me smile everyday. When I feel down and I sit and think about it all I remember that even though its happening to me it happening to them too, and they accept me for who I am. We laugh through things whenever possible. When I got my little concussion last week and ran into the glass door, I was the first person to laugh. and so did my family who witnessed it. they made sure I was ok  and we giggled about it some more. They are my guides and my eyes to the world.  they do not feel im a burden even if I think I am.They keep me positive and are willing to fight even when i don't think I can, they support my artwork and everything I do and I know when the world gets a little darker for me they will always try to brighten it up.



I had a friend give me a book a long time agao called" dont sweat the mall stuff". It talked about how little things in the long run dont matter . I read through it and adopted a philosophy that it is perfectly ok to cry about something that upsets, scares, or hurts you, but only for that moment. YOU cant let those fears overtake your life you can only cry about it to relieve that stress and then let it go. I spent too many years after high school crying over what was to come, and not enjoying the vision I HAD. Days go by quickly, don't waste them worrying about the future or you will lose the past.

I think that brings me to the best advice I could give her, talk about it and cry only when you need to.Accept that your afraid but don't let it overrun you. every once in a while when accepting harsh disabilities or things like it in life we get  too bottled up. We are kind of like a tea pot, we heat up slowly with emotion when we don't face them and at some point you have to let it out and scream! Its healthy to let it out once and awhile. It can get frustrating especially with anything happening to you that is degenerative. let out your frustration find some way to do it and then move on.youll feel better when you do and will have a clear head to find a way to better handle  everything. If you find someone to talk to whenever you really need it you can keep it form happening. find a friend with a simalar issue or someone who has given you the support you need and bend their ear. relieve it as it happens instead of exploding whenever possible.


No one can completely predict the future  , we know what the doctors say will happen. What they can't control is hope. Keep hope you will find a way, keep hope maybe that they will find a remedy or a cure, keep hope that you will be okay. 
No one is perfect and strong , 
we all go through it diffrently 
but we can get through it, 
and do it with a smile.

And I always remember , I'm not alone.

seeing beauty through your hands

side  view of "the most perfect of chaos" while in final stages

The opening to "altered perception" focused on my newest series, my touchable art.It was something i dreamed about for 2 years now.I loved the black and white for its complete example of my light sensitivity, but i longed for anther way to make it more accessible to the blind and visually impaired.I for years had gone out of my way to create fake depth in creative way since i see none and texture both visual and touchable.

When talking with my father at a family gathering i said" what if i made it touchable?"I then started to explain my thought, if i could have a touchable face and then paint in black and white not only would sighted people understand more how i see but then through touching the canvas no matter you impairment you could see it with your hands?"i thought for sure he would give me that look he gives me when i say something he doesn't understand. To my surprise he  said "if you don't try it you'd be stupid". now if you have ever met my father you'd know that that statement is about as encouraging as he gets, so i went on with trying to form it out in my mind.

That Christmas my mother gave me art store gift cards to pursue my idea, i excitedly ran out to get the supplies.I bought anything i thought id need, and they sat in my art storage bin for over a year.

after  doing my first black box gallery show and painting a live model, i realized i wanted to go about it a different way i heard a lot of" i don't understand how you paint it, i like it but i don't get it", of course from sighted viewers. I prayed for someway to get to a better art level and of understanding thru it.Then it hit me to try the touchable art.



Bridgette casting in raw form

 My first willing model was Mrs Bridgette. She was my first brave caster when i had not a clue what i was doing really and she triggered me to want to keep going.

from there i started casually asking previous models and those who had inquired if they would sit, as i did more and more i got into a groove the vision of the works came clear and i knew as my main piece i wanted to pay homage to my first piece sold professionally"perfect chaos".since that piece was an escalation of me losing vision transitioning into more modern/classical art it was the best choice.

It  become something i looking forward to, seeing friends/models i had missed and not seen in awhile, girl talking, art, music, and laughing,..lots of laughing!


model/friends Brit and Larissa  getting plastered, oh yeah and me being silly

When they sat down i would tell them to relax and think about the viewer. T o remember to focus on the viewer that cannot see or see well, to remember how they would feel the face how they would feel it, and then id tell them to think of a thought or emotion, whatever they thought was small id tell them they see in the face. They all sacrificed hair, skin and patience to sit for me! they were wonderful, my bridg,ne',brit,vero, and issa,.. and yeah and i sat,..

I decided through this process if i was gong to make my models do it i would too, and since my vision is is so i knew it wouldn't matter if i casted my face and couldn't see. I pre cut the pieces, set up all my supplies and laid them out on our bathroom counter where i could find them with only my hands. AN hour later i somehow finished doing the whole process completely blind, and learning more so what they went through for me.

As i assembled the first four touchable pieces i realized that i was achieving that which i had prayed for, the idea coming through better then i could have hoped for.



"the most perfect chaos" in its sculpting phase




"the most perfect chaos" final stage




attaching the arm to touch "the famine touch"







at the opening, "release " on far left, "longing" on top right, and touchable  piece "three graces" on bottom right




self portrait" Rae" touchable piece in final form waiting to be hung

As i reflect back and feel blessed that i could make a dream come true through my art, i am thankful for my friends, and thank god for giving my the drive to paint. The  next 2 pieces I'm doing will be touchable and on the largest scale i have ever done, At the show people got to touch and feel my art. being able oto say " yes please touch the paintings it ok here! its not a museum please experience it with your eyes closed as well" what a reaction!

I look forward to finishing the next two pieces " muses 9" and "Adam and Eve", and watching people see through there hands the beauty of my models :)